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Don't Panic

Thursday August 26, 2010 02:42 pm EDT


The last U.S. combat troops left Iraq on August 19. War over. Woohoo!

Take that, you stupid 9/11 terrorists who had absolutely nothing at all to do with Saddam Hussein or Iraq. Boo ya!

No. Wait. Upon further review, it turns out the war isn’t exactly over.

The combat troops are out, but there are still roughly 50,000 non-combat troops in Iraq. Iraq still has the third largest foreign...

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Don't Panic

Wednesday August 18, 2010 10:24 am EDT


The cover of Time magazine’s August 9, 2010 issue is a portrait of an 18-year-old Afghan woman named Aisha. A Taliban gang amputated Aisha’s nose and ears with a knife as punishment after Aisha had the temerity to run away from her husband’s house to escape her abusive in-laws. Left on a mountain to bleed to death, Aisha survived. She’s now a beautiful woman with a hole in the middle of her...

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Don't Panic

Tuesday August 3, 2010 03:01 pm EDT

Is Obama cutting the military’s budget?

As a rule, I try never to impute bad motives on political figures whose political positions I don’t necessarily agree with. Honest people can disagree.

For example, when top Republicans like Newt Gingrich or Sarah Palin speak-out in opposition in the construction of Muslim community center and mosque two-blocks from the World Trade Center site in...

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Don't Panic

Thursday July 8, 2010 10:00 am EDT


The Fund For Peace is an educational group headquartered in D.C. that “works to prevent war and alleviate the conditions that cause conflict.”

Naturally, I hate them. Without war and conflict, I’ve got no career. What am I gonna do for money? Write poetry? Every decent rhyme for “Nantucket” has already been taken. Suck it. Duck it. Kirby Puckett.

But this isn’t all me-me-me. I’m worried...

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Don't Panic

Thursday July 1, 2010 05:05 pm EDT

In 2006, American geologists began conducting surveys to figure out if Afghanistan had any significant mineral wealth. The deposits they eventually discovered are way more than a mother lode.

I’m not up on my mining slang, so I don’t know the precise slang one is supposed to use to indicate a mineral deposit larger than a mother lode. A maternity ward lode? A crowded OB/GYN waiting room lode?...

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Don't Panic

Wednesday June 23, 2010 02:57 pm EDT


I've always had a special place in my heart for the Kyrgyz Republic.

Landlocked and surrounded by four extraordinarily boring countries, Kyrgyz Republic (commonly known as Kyrgyzstan) has, in my opinion, the least appealing location of any country of any country on the globe. I suppose you could argue Poland has a worse location because it’s pinned between two historically violent superpower...

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Don't Panic

Wednesday June 16, 2010 02:44 pm EDT



Maybe I’m just an old fuddy duddy, but back when I was coming up, surprise was considered an essential element of successful warfare.

In fact, I can still recall that glorious day when I learned about the importance of surprise in war. It was 1832 and, just for fun, I downloaded the great Prussian military theorist Carl Von Clausewitz’s then-newly published “On War” to my Kindle. We didn’t...

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Don't Panic

Wednesday June 9, 2010 06:05 pm EDT

image-1

Is it Monday morning quarterbacking to tell you I knew the euro was going come apart? They don’t have quarterbacks in Europe so I’m not sure what the equivalent figure of speech is. Monday morning corner-kicking? Monday morning beret knitting? Monday morning red wine decanting? Monday morning panini pressing? Monday morning nutella spreading?

Anyway, whatever...

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Don't Panic

Friday May 28, 2010 04:00 am EDT
I've been visiting KCNA for clues as to why the North Korean military sank the Southern Korean ship ROKS Cheonan | more...

Don't Panic

Tuesday May 25, 2010 02:00 pm EDT

image-1I enjoy writing columns, but am nevertheless occasionally frustrated by the inherent limitations of written words.

Every couple of months, I think an audio recording of someone sighing in frustration, a video of someone pounding his head against a desk, or a photo of someone with her face buried in her hands would just as fully explain a foreign affairs conundrum as, say, actual...

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Don't Panic

Monday May 24, 2010 04:00 am EDT
We've been in the midst of the same confusing standoff for the last seven years | more...

Don't Panic

Tuesday May 18, 2010 02:00 pm EDT

image-1Every decade has its defining question.

In the '70s, it was, "Who wears short shorts?" In the '80s, the nation wondered, "Where's the beef?" In the '90s, we struggled to answer one simple question: "Can't we all just get along?" And during the '00s, with two disastrous wars and the looming threat of terrorism, Americans demanded to know, "Whatcha gonna do with all that ass/All that...

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Don't Panic

Monday May 17, 2010 04:00 am EDT
The U.S. and Russia possess more than 90 percent of the world's nuclear weapons between them. Sounds fair. | more...

Don't Panic

Tuesday May 11, 2010 02:00 pm EDT
image-1A long time ago, current Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou killed his father (former Prime Minister Andreas Papandreou), then married his own mother. After a while, the crops stopped growing, the women of Greece stopped having babies and the tzatziki curdled in the silos. Horrified, the MILF-wife killed herself and Papandreou gouged out his own eyes, then flew so close to the sun... | more...

Don't Panic

Monday May 10, 2010 04:00 am EDT
For the past decade, Greece has been that guy who pays his credit card bill with another credit card | more...

Don't Panic

Tuesday May 4, 2010 02:00 pm EDT

image-1You know, things aren't like they were when I was coming up. People today are big babies.

Back in my day, we didn't have peanut allergies. No sirree ma'am. If you suffered anaphylactic shock after eating a peanut, it was 'cause you were a sissy.

And we didn't have this "Internet" thing making everything so easy. If you wanted something, you had to work for it. You had to leave...

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Don't Panic

Monday May 3, 2010 04:00 am EDT
It's hard to tell whether South Korea is acting wisely or like a sissy | more...

Don't Panic

Tuesday April 27, 2010 02:00 pm EDT

image-1That volcano in Iceland (the one evidently named by someone who types with mittens on) isn't the only thing wrecking our travel plans.

The vacation dreams of countless American hipsters and trustafarians heading to Asia are all Phuk'd up now that Thailand's political crisis has gotten mean and violent.

It wasn't always thus. Until recently, the battle to control Thailand's...

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Don't Panic

Monday April 26, 2010 04:00 am EDT
Vacation dreams of countless American trustafarians are all Phuk'd up now that Thailand's political crisis has gotten mean | more...

Don't Panic

Tuesday April 20, 2010 02:00 pm EDT

image-1If I were one of President Obama's secret Muslim handlers, I'd be angry.

Their diabolical secret Muslim plan seemed foolproof: win the War On Terror™ by sneaking a charming, telegenic Kenyanesian member of their brotherhood into the White House! Genius!

So what if Hopey al-Changeypants wasn't born the U.S. We'll build a time machine that takes us to Hawaii, 1961 –...

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Don't Panic

Monday April 19, 2010 04:00 am EDT
Obama's secret Muslim handlers must be pissed he's going out of his way to reduce the threat of nuclear war | more...

Don't Panic

Monday April 12, 2010 02:00 pm EDT

image-1Before I joined the SocialistLibtardIslamofascistHomo Conspiracy (aka the media), I worked for a small public relations firm.

I did PR for commercial real estate companies. I learned a lot during my tenure. I learned two-hour lunch breaks would be socially acceptable if you replaced the word "break" with "meeting." I learned that all good strip clubs bill discreetly to your credit...

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Don't Panic

Monday April 12, 2010 04:00 am EDT
Americans seem content with evidence-free declarations saying we avoid killing civilians | more...

Don't Panic

Monday April 5, 2010 02:00 pm EDT

image-1During the last week of March, the never-gets-anything-wrong news media reported that challenger Ayad Allawi defeated incumbent Nouri al-Maliki in Iraq's recent election.

"Secular former leader Allawi wins Iraq vote," said Reuters.

"Allawi wins Iraqi election," said McClatchy.

"Allawi victory in Iraq sets up period of uncertainty," said the New York Times.

I was...

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Don't Panic

Monday April 5, 2010 04:00 am EDT
Using a complicated system of calculations called basic arithmetic | more...