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The Battle of Atlanta

When Oasis|Coldplay come to town| who will win?

Oasis

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If ever one writes about Oasis and, by connection, its lead singer, Liam Gallagher, the writer inevitably mentions how tough Liam is, how he is a drunkard who likes to spit at people and get into brawls. Yes, Liam cusses and drinks and fights. He's so unruly.

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But as the author of this article, I care to go a step further and tell you that I could and would beat up Liam if I ever met him. I'm not a fighter. But I am a husband and a father, and therefore, in the "we're all primates" and "survival of the species" scheme of things, it is my duty to bloody the nose of anybody who acts like such an idiot. Then, for the good of the community, I'd push his face into the concrete and make him say "uncle."

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But that's not the point of this article, ultimately. As Oasis and Liam are coming to town one night before their British rivals, Coldplay, I could discuss their social relevance. The bands represent different eras and different styles of British rock, with Coldplay taking the crown of "kings of popular British music" after Oasis was too hung over to make a record for a couple of years. But I'd rather discuss who would win in a fistfight between Liam and Coldplay frontman, Chris Martin.

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On the surface, who would win the fight seems to be an easy call — Liam's record is 751 wins and 1,021 losses. Chris, an upper-middle class, private-school pacifist, has never been in a fight. Clearly, you think experience wins. But what you're failing to consider is that Liam will be very, very drunk during the fight, and Chris will be sober. Also, Chris is a new father and husband and therefore must, like me, stand up for his community. So, as Liam staggers around and throws wild punches between slurred curses, Chris grabs him by the collar and smashes his face into a nearby piano.

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Ah, but you're not convinced. You say that Liam has a brother, one who enjoys seeing little bro get his ass kicked. But brother Noel also is drunk and fears his band will look bad if Chris Martin does the ass-kicking — and rightly so. So Noel jumps in and starts to pound Chris' ribs and back with his acoustic guitar until Chris collapses with Shakespearean melodrama.

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So, Oasis wins. Or so you think. Then Gwyneth Paltrow comes to her husband's rescue. She is carrying a designer baby bag of considerable weight, and she clocks both Gallagher brothers with it in one swing. Then, in her best Viola accent, she lectures them about being proper English gentlemen. She tells them to go to Africa and save some souls. They slither away, leaving behind a bloody trail.

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Chris Martin and Coldplay win this battle of the bands, thanks to Gwyneth.

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Now that we have determined the victors, we should probably move on to music. Oasis is in the middle of an amazing comeback. I know this because I read the band's website, where it states that it has a new album out and, "Put simply, this is a glorious rebirth." So fans everywhere are saying, "This is a glorious rebirth." Just like they bought it when Oasis said it was the second coming of the Beatles, even though its melodies sound frighteningly simplistic when compared to the Fab Four.

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Coldplay, meanwhile, also has a new album out, but Chris and Co. don't need to tell people it is glorious because their record company does that for them. Unlike Oasis, Coldplay plays music that makes you want to sing and weep. The piano! The breaking voice of Chris Martin! And the pretty lyrics that focus on making the world a better place!

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I'd rather cry than listen to Oasis. Again: Coldplay wins the battle of the bands.

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But here's the twist: Both bands are exactly alike in that they are hated by the hipsters of Atlanta. Why? Because they wrote songs that hipsters once sang along to, then those songs became so popular that non-hipsters sang along to them, too, which made hipsters feel quite stupid. The hipsters aren't going to fall for that one again. OK, maybe they'll sing along to Coldplay's "Clocks," but that is it. And they won't smile when they're doing it. They'll only think how most people don't even know what the song is about.

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So, the question becomes, who would win a fight between Oasis, Coldplay and the hipsters of Atlanta? Here's how I see it: Liam and Noel can't hit anybody because of the probation thing; Chris is not allowed to hit anybody after getting a talking-to by Gwyneth, who is keeping an eye on him by disguising herself as a boy in his band; and the hipsters are afraid to fight anybody because their messy hair might get messed up more and someone might step on their cool shoes.

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It's a draw, right? Wrong. You're failing to consider the author of this article, who has a community to represent. To save us all, he has called in Radiohead, which is an army of music robots. They are marching this way. They will bloody the noses of all idiots with the sheer power of their laser-beam voices. And we will all be fitter, happier, and more productive.

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Winner: Planet Earth.

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music@creativeloafing.com