Two against Owen

Rappers aren’t the only cats in the entertainment industry who find themselves embroiled in senseless beefs. The boomer rock/jazz/blues act Steely Dan, for example, recently started a ton of shit with actor Owen Wilson. According to the critically acclaimed musical duo, Wilson’s comedy flick You, Me and Dupree unfairly ripped its title from their song “Cousin Dupree” without giving proper credit. In response to this diss, Steely Dan posted a scathing (and damn funny) open letter to Owen via his brother/co-star Luke on the band’s website (www.steelydan.com). And for those Dan fans without broadband, here’s an uncorrected excerpt of the cold-blooded correspondence. Hey, don’t fuck with Donald Fagen, bitches!

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“OPEN LETTER TO THE GREAT COMIC ACTOR, LUKE WILSON

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Hey Luke --

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Hey man — it’s, like, Don and Walt, we’re the guys from Steely Dan, the group, we won those Grammies that time, maybe you recall? You know, ‘Rikki Don’t Lose That Number’? ‘Reelin’ in the Years’? ‘Hey Nineteen’? ‘Babylon Sisters’? Right, that’s us! So how’s it going?

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Anyway, the reason we’re writing ... well, man, something kind of uncool has come to our attention and we’ve got to, like, do something or say something before the scene gets out of control and something even more uncool happens. This doesn’t involve you directly, man ...

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It’s your little brother Owen C. that’s the problem ... What we suspect may have happened is this: some hack writer or producer or whatever they call themselves in Malibu or Los Feliz apparently heard our Grammy-winning song “Cousin Dupree” on the radio and thought, hey, man, this is a cool idea for a character in a movie or something. ... they, like, took our character, this real dog sleeping on the couch and all and put him the middle of some hokey “Down and Out in Beverly Hills” ripoff story and then, when it came time to change the character’s name or whatever so people wouldn’t know what a rip the whole thing was, THEY DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER TO THINK UP A NEW FUCKING NAME FOR THE GUY!

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Anyway, they got your little brother on the hook for this summer stinkbomb — I mean, check the reviews — and he’s using all his heaviest Owen C. licks to try and get this pathetic way-unfunny debacle off the ground and, in the end, no matter what he does or what happens at the box office, in the short run, he’s gonna go down hard for selling out like this and trashing the work of some pretty heavy artists like us in the process. You know yourself, man, that what goes around comes around — that’s like the first fucking thing you learn, right? Instant karma is a fact, Jack. So your spaced-out little bro is generating some MAJOR harsh-ass karma for himself by fucking us over like this — I mean, we’re like totally out in the cold on this one — no ASCAP, no soundtrack, no consultant gig (like we got from the Farrelly Bros. when they used a bunch of songs in their movie, “You, Me and Irene” or whatever). No phone call, no muffin basket, no flowers, nothing.

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But, hey, Luke man — there is one petite solid you could do for us at this time — do you think you could persuade your bro to do the right thing and come down to our Concert at Irvine and apologize to our fans for this travesty? I mean, he wouldn’t have to grovel or eat shit or get down on his hands and knees and ask forgiveness ... but he would have to cop to the fact that what he and his Hollywood gangster pals did was wrong and that he wishes he had never agreed to get involved with this turkey in the first place. He just tells the audience and the band and the crew that he made a bad mistake and that he’s sorry — is that so fucking hard? What the hell, you’re his big brother.”

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In response to these allegations, Owen Wilson released this statement on July 28: “I have never heard the song ‘Cousin Dupree,’ and I don’t even know who this gentleman, Mr. Steely Dan, is. I hope this helps to clear things up and I can get back to concentrating on my new movie, Hey 19.”