Songs I’d Rather Hear Through the Floor

The other day, my upstairs neighbors were having some sorta ultra-girly breakdown. One wailed and I assume the other was collecting tissues because high heels continually clomp-clomped on the hardwood floors at about 3 a.m. I heard James Blunt’s “So Beautiful” and Madonna’s “Hung Up,” so I figured someone got dumped. Instead of sleeping, I pondered what I’d rather hear to mourn the end of what’s-her-face’s relationship:

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1) “The House That Jack Built” — Aretha Franklin: For if her man left her.

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2) “Criminal” — Fiona Apple: Or maybe she cheated.

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3) “No More Drama” — Mary J. Blige: Or maybe it was just dramatic and she couldn’t take it anymore.

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4) “I Will Survive” — Gloria Gaynor: On second thought, never play disco when you live in apartments — that’s just rude.

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5) “Infinitely Late at Night” — the Magnetic Fields: OK, this is mournful and all, but mostly I just wanted to fall asleep.