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Episode 353: Roman Law

In response to a recent decision by a Rome, Ga., high school to reward students up to $100 for information on fellow students' thefts and drug use, we at CL would like to pitch the school's informant system as a plot line for a "Simpsons" episode:

(After Homer is transferred to Plant Bowen in Cartersville, Bart and Lisa Simpson are sent to Model High School in nearby Rome. Principal Glenn White welcomes them to the school.)

PRINCIPAL WHITE

Welcome to Model High, Bart and Lisa! We have a new program here we're very proud of. Students are encouraged to report any crimes they suspect fellow students of committing. In exchange, we'll reward the informants on a sliding scale - up to $100 for a felony! Uh, not that we have a crime problem here. It's just a preventative measure.

BART

How much for reporting a noogie?

PRINCIPAL WHITE

Five dollars.

BART

A wedgie?

PRINCIPAL WHITE

Ten dollars.

LISA

Principal White, where are you getting the money for this?

PRINCIPAL WHITE

Soda and candy machine revenue, Lisa. We load the cafeteria lunches with sodium-heavy foods, and the kids purchase more sweets!

(Bart and Lisa exit the principal's office.)

BART

Do you see what is happening here?

LISA

Principal White is establishing a police state?

BART

No. We're about to become filthy stinking rich! We'll frame these dorks and snitch on them. I can use the dough for a new skateboard!

LISA (shaking her head)

Really, Bart, do you think that's best way to make new friends?

(Bart plants a marijuana pipe in the locker of another new kid, Todd Flanders, whose family moved to Rome to be closer to the Bible Belt. Bart barges into Principal White's office.)

BART

Principal White, we have reason to believe Todd Flanders has marijuana paraphernalia in his possession!

(At the locker, Principal White finds the pipe and grabs Todd by the scruff of his neck.)

PRINCIPAL WHITE

It's always the Jesus freak.

TODD FLANDERS

Please, Principal White, don't tell my dad - he'll have me barred from heaven.

PRINCIPAL WHITE

Thank you, Bart, for your courageous actions. Thanks to you, students will soon be too afraid to use the john.??




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