The Blotter: Bad sports

During happy hour, a 25-year-old woman and her friend were chatting on a café patio near Lenox mall when two men walked up and asked the woman for money to help their sports team go to Washington, D.C. "They presented a sign that looked crumpled up and [flattened] out again, which backed up their claim to help their sports team get to D.C." The two men "even mentioned a desire to go to the Smithsonian Museum." Their story didn't pull any heartstrings. No can do, the woman said. Suddenly, one guy "snatched her iPad off the table and sprinted away." The other guy froze and just stood there dazed, seemingly shocked by his friend's mad grab. After a lull, the second guy darted, too. Police searched for them, but no luck. Apparently, the two suspects got away on a MARTA train at the Lenox Square station.

STRIKE OUT: A Lake Claire family man was outside with his wife and kids "having a good time" in the front yard, but whilst doing so, he left something important on the stoop. Four thin guys walked up and said they were raising money for a local high school's baseball team. The Lake Claire man said he didn't have any money, and the guys kept going down the street. Two hours later, the man was getting ready to go out and he remembered he left his car keys on the front stoop. He walked outside and — yep — his keys and his silver Volvo station wagon were gone. The man told police he believes the four guys snatched his keys, returned later "when the sun went down," and stole his Volvo.

ASSHOLE OF THE MONTH: "I expect three things from my woman: fuck me, feed me, and clean my house," a man recently told police outside his Fisher Road home. Cops had just arrived in response to a call about a possible domestic squabble. The man said he and his girlfriend got into a fight when she refused to cook him dinner. The man said he smacked his girlfriend's mouth and she slapped his face. Then he took all of the girlfriend's belongings from their apartment and tossed them on the ground outside.

The officer went inside to talk to the girlfriend, who was sitting in a wheelchair. (She's not disabled. She said her leg hurt from a tumble.) The girlfriend told police no one hit her, she'd simply fallen down the steps outside the apartment and hit her mouth on the things that had been thrown in the yard. She didn't want to press charges. And she could walk without the wheelchair.

The officer didn't buy the girlfriend's story. He handcuffed the boyfriend and took him to jail on a battery charge.

HEAD GAMES: Two vigilant cops spotted a man sitting in his white Chevy pickup truck on Oakland Avenue, and a woman's head bobbing up and down above his crotch. "We saw the female passenger's head come up from the driver's lap, which looked suspicious," the officers wrote. The cops pulled closer and "observed the male driver's pants unbuttoned."

Cops questioned the man and woman separately. The man tried to explain, claiming he and the woman were just sitting and "talking" in the car. He then made the situation worse by giving police a fake name. Finally, when the man gave his real name, a computer check revealed his driver's license is expired. He went to jail on multiple charges.

The woman was more forthcoming: She admitted to giving the man "a blowjob and jacking him off." She got a ticket.

BULLET POINTS: Police talked to a "suspicious" 40-year-old woman parked in a Mercedes-Benz on Proctor Street, an Icehouse beer sitting in her car. The woman gave police an ID that appeared to belong to a much younger woman, and she explained that she didn't mean to give them that one. "It's my niece's identification," she said.

Eventually, the woman reached into her shirt, pulled out her ID along with a box of ammo, and then explained that she was holding the ammo for her "cousin Earl." The officer wrote, "She seemed very troubled by the fact that she was holding this ammunition, but would not advise why or how, only that it was given to her by Earl earlier."

Inside the woman's purse, police found "three crack pipes, Brillo, and a needle-like tool she stated she used to push the crack rock in the pipe."

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.

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