The Blotter: Best of the Blotter 2015

An official Blotter all-star may be sitting near you as you thumb through the annual Best of the Blotter issue.

They are often found perched on wobbly bar stools across the city, mumbling details of their latest brush with the law to anyone who will listen.

They get arrested with bizarre style. In previous years, some talked smack to cops. Others succumbed to urges like fornicating furiously in public on a fine spring day. Or smoking marijuana with a friend while sitting on the steps of a police precinct. Blotter all-stars bend our concept of common sense because they get busted with such wild aplomb. They know that if you’re going to go to jail, you better make the crime worth it.

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Frenemies rampage

FRIENDSHIP STRIPPED: In Buckhead, a 21-year-old man called police to his apartment. According to the police report, the man said he and a female friend went on a road trip “to Alabama to get some money from her family and they were on their way back to Georgia after he had received $500 from his cousins in Alabama.” During the ride back, the man fell asleep in the back seat of his friend’s car. When he woke up, they were outside the female friend’s apartment. She said she needed to pick up her male cousin to buy some marijuana. The cousin hopped into the car, and the friend drove to a nearby apartment — in a much less luxurious part of town. The friend parked behind the complex. The friend’s cousin grabbed the 21-year-old from behind and pinned him down, while the friend rummaged through his pockets. “Give me the money or you’ll be sorry,” the cousin kept saying. Eventually, they found the $500 stuffed inside the 21-year-old’s pocket — and the friend drove him back to his apartment and dropped him off.

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The 21-year-old described his female friend as a stripper who works at a nearby club. The 21-year-old had marks on his neck and chin, the reporting officer noted.

ROOMMATE RAGE: In Piedmont Heights, cops responded to an “embellished story” dispute between two guys who have lived together on-and-off for 12 years. The caller said he has epilepsy, and he and his roommate were arguing when he had an epileptic episode and fell into the shower’s glass door. A cop arrived and asked the man if he was hurt. The man said he was not hurt. Just to make sure, the cop looked the man over. “Other than an unhealthy-looking big toe, I did not observe any visible injuries,” the cop noted, adding that the guy rambled and “did not make much sense.”

The other roommate “was very cooperative and calm and quick to provide information,” the cop wrote. The roommate said they are good friends, but their relationship had recently deteriorated and just a few hours earlier he had announced that he was moving out at the end of the month. That’s when epileptic man became upset and called police.

The cop attempted to have a second conversation with the epileptic man to clarify why he called police, but it got weird. The epileptic man called the cop a “skinny bitch,’” the cop noted. “Also he said I ‘needed to eat a sandwich’ and began making ‘Hail Hitler Nazi salute motions.’”

Both roommates agreed to leave for the night. No one was arrested.

FAMILY SPAT OF THE YEAR: A fight broke out between two cousins on Luckie Street. A 33-year-old in a white polka-dot dress and “shaved hair on both sides of her head” started brawling with her cousin. At one point, Polka Dot hurled a candle at her cousin. Neighbors rushed outside to see the commotion and gave statements to the police.

“Y’all nosey bitches need to mind y’all business, what the fuck y’all looking at?” screamed Polka Dot. After yelling at the neighbors, Polka Dot allegedly hurled her cell phone and a bottle of bug spray toward her cousin. Wisely, the cousin took off running away from Polka Dot.

Polka Dot stormed back into her apartment for a moment and then returned to her front porch armed with a shotgun. According to her neighbors, Polka Dot “then racked the action of the shotgun while still engaging in choice words.”

When cops arrived, they heard “loud yelling” behind the apartment building. Polka Dot was screaming and trying to get into her apartment’s back door.

Also, Polka Dot “had minor cuts to the face,” the cop noted in the police report. Polka Dot went to jail on disorderly conduct charges. A shotgun shell and the can of bug spray were turned in as evidence.

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Plastered, sloshed, and buzzed

SHOUT IT LOUD: Two Sandy Springs men were enjoying a recent KISS/Def Leppard concert when things got ugly. A drunk married couple alledgedly went berserk while standing behind the men. The 36-year-old man and his wife were reportedly very argumentative. At one point, the drunk man pushed the two Sandy Springs guys, telling them to move.

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The Sandy Springs men exchanged terse words with the unruly man and wife, and then went back to watching the concert. Suddenly, the two Sandy Springs men “felt a warm stream of liquid on their legs and pants, causing them to turn around and [witness] the [36-year-old man’s] penis out of his pants, urinating on them,” the cop wrote. The two guys were outraged and tried to stop the 36-year-old from peeing on them. The drunk man’s wife stepped in and blocked the two Sandy Springs men. “Some mutual pushing took place” between all parties, the cop reported, but concert security was able to break up the tussle before it escalated further.

The cop spoke with the 36-year-old pisser. “I could tell he was intoxicated because I am currently assigned to a DUI task force,” the cop explained. “I am a Drug Recognition Expert, and have many encounters with people who have consumed alcohol and drugs.” The cop arrested the 36-year-old man.

DRAMATIC ENTRANCE: In Buckhead, cops responded to a call about a woman’s legs possibly being trapped under a black SUV near the Piedmont Avenue and Roswell Road intersection. A bystander said the woman drove the SUV into a parking space and hopped out, clutching a glass in one hand. The woman promptly fell over, shattering the glass. Bystanders said the woman was “laughing and crying” while lying on the ground. Her legs were not trapped, but she seemed too drunk to walk on her own. “I could plainly see a [full] 16-ounce Stella Artois beer can in her purse,” the cop noted. “I asked the woman if she had been drinking anything today, specifically Stella, at which time she reached into her purse and attempted to open the beer can.”

The officer removed the beer from the woman’s hands and asked her what happened. “I don’t know,” the woman said. The cop asked if she knew where she was. “Bank of America,” the woman answered. “I noticed no Bank of America anywhere within eyesight,” the cop noted. The 27-year-old woman was charged with DUI. Medics examined her legs and body — everything appeared OK.

En route to the police precinct, the woman kept asking “What’s happening?” The cop noted, “I informed her several times that she was under arrest, at which time she would state, ‘You’re cute,’ not seeming to comprehend the situation.”

Her police-precinct debut was memorable: The cop recalled, “Upon arrival at the police precinct, I walked [the woman through] the main entrance, at which time she said, ‘Taaaa-Daaaaa! I’m here!’ to anyone and everyone present.”

The cop filled out the arrest paperwork and put a shackle on the woman’s leg. “Can’t I just suck your dick and you not take me to jail or something?” she blurted. Nope, shrugged the cop. The woman concluded, “You’re an asshole.”

SCENT REDEMPTION: In Lakewood Heights, an Atlanta police sergeant saw a brand-new Mustang GT stopped at a red light. “For unknown reasons, the Mustang aggressively accelerated south when the traffic light turned to green,” the sergeant noted. Yep, the alleged speed demon zipped away in front of a sergeant sitting in a fully marked squad car. Sarge hit the gas and the chase was on. “I accelerated with the vehicle reaching a speed of 96 mph ... before activating the emergency equipment of my patrol, signaling the Mustang to stop,” the sergeant noted.

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Sarge got out of squad car and chatted with the driver, a 41-year-old man, who had an unusual explanation for his actions. “He advised that he was aware of [the speed] and that he thought I was following him,” the sergeant noted.

The driver was technically correct. The sergeant was following him — for speeding. The sergeant continued, “[The driver’s] mannerisms were very nervous and awkward, much like a drunk driver, yet all I could smell in the vehicle was the ‘new car’ smell.”

Sarge charged the 41-year-old man with reckless driving, handcuffed him, and escorted him to the squad car. “While completing [the] required paperwork in my squad [car], I began to detect the odor of alcoholic beverage emanating from arrestee’s person,” the sergeant noted. “With arrestee already being in custody for the traffic violation, I decided to forgo pursuing a DUI investigation and subsequent charges.”

This is the first time in Blotter history that a new car smell may have saved a driver from a DUI charge. The driver’s shiny new Mustang was impounded.

LOST IN SPACE: In Castleberry Hill, a cop was working an extra job at a restaurant where a 32-year-old man became unruly. A security guard urged the man to leave but he was “too intoxicated” to understand the request.

When the cop walked inside, the unruly man was engaged “in mutual physical combat using a closed fist” on the security guard, the cop noted.

The security guard said the man was “confrontational with patrons” and extremely “touchy” with a female waitress. The security guard said he asked the guy to walk outside, and the man agreed but insisted that the security guard walk ahead of him. Nope, the security guard replied, “You first, sir, I’m just going to make sure you find the door.” They exchanged words and the man reportedly punched the security guard’s jaw. The security guard said he struck the man about three times.

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After the brawl, the 32-year-old man was “bleeding lightly” from the nose, so the cop called an ambulance to the scene. Totally freaked out, the man refused medical treatment, pushing people away as he shouted that the medics were “aliens who wanted to hurt me.” The unruly man, who hails from Paulding County, spent the night in jail.

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Strange find of the year

COSTUME FETISH: In the Edgewood neighborhood, a man found a purple suitcase filled with Halloween costumes in his backyard. He called police about the unusual find.

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Officers took control of the purple suitcase, found an identifying tag on it, and called the suitcase’s owner, a woman who lived a few blocks away. The woman said she’s out of town at the moment, and she had no clue why her purple bag of costumes landed in the man’s backyard.

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Animal instincts

SNAKE CHARMER: Water gushed from an apartment filled with slithery creatures on Peachtree Street. “I went to the 10th floor and observed several inches of water covering the south hallway,” a cop noted. “I walked into the unit where the water was coming from and observed water pouring from the ceiling in the smaller room to the left. I also observed several snake habitats with snakes in the room.”

The 35-year-old man in the snake-filled apartment “stated he was high on methamphetamines and because of his paranoia he ignited a lighter directly next to a sprinkler head, which caused the sprinkler system to start and not stop,” the cop noted. “[He] said he was feeling very paranoid and began to observe pieces of crack, cocaine and heroin inside his apartment. [He] stated that he found these drugs to be alarming because he exclusively uses methamphetamines and these other drugs are not up to his standards.”

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The paranoia-inspired flood damaged apartments on the ninth and 10th floor. The paranoid man complained of chest pains, so cops took him to Piedmont Hospital.

FELINE FRENZY: In Chastain Park, a 48-year-old man called police to his apartment after he picked up two women at a popular Buckhead bar. “Upon arrival at the scene, the front door was open and I observed the victim lying on the floor in a pool of blood with a compound fracture to his left leg,” a cop noted.

The 48-year-old man said the first woman had short black hair and wore an orange dress. The second woman wore a black dress and had long black hair. He said they all went back to his apartment and eventually he fell asleep. He said when he awoke later, both women were rummaging through his belongings in his closet. The man said he tried to stop the women, who alledgedly snatched his wallet and three of his watches. During the struggle, he said the woman in the black dress pushed him down the stairs, and that’s how he broke his leg.

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Cops searched the apartment: In the upstairs master bedroom, a back door was wide open. No one else was there. Also, the man added that both women “were wearing contacts that looked like ‘cat eyes.’”

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Bizarre rant of the year

ITCHY SITUATION: In Downtown, an undercover cop said that he spotted a man drinking beer from a Starbucks cup. “As I watched, he finished the beer and discarded the plastic cup on the city sidewalk at the intersection of Walton Street and Peachtree,” the cop noted. “I called a takedown unit and began to follow him. As I followed him, he ducked behind a pillar near the intersection of Forsyth and Walton streets and emerged again very close to me. He walked straight up to me, and I thought he was about to ask me why I was following him.”

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The man did nothing of the sort. Instead, the man bellowed, “Nothing is worse than an itchy asshole! Then, you gotta buy one of these.” The man thrust out a jar of Vaseline toward the undercover cop. “You know you are going to use the whole thing,” the man said, shaking the Vaseline jar. “God is terrible. Hey, do you have some loose change I could have?”

The undercover cop explained that he did not have any cash on him. Backup units arrived and arrested the man, 63. He went to jail, charged with littering, drinking in public, and monetary solicitation.

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Techno diss of the year

SELFIE ABSORBED: On Peachtree Road, a 44-year-old Alabama woman driving a white Mercedes stopped in front of a Buckhead restaurant’s neon sign, blocking rush-hour traffic. She hopped out of her car and tried to take a selfie, posing near the restaurant sign. During her self-portrait attempt, the woman yelled profanities at other drivers trying to turn into the restaurant’s parking lot.

A young restaurant employee tried to deal with her. “I approached in a friendly manner to ask if everything was OK,” he recalled. “She kept daring me to call police” and called him a “stupid motherfucker.” He went inside to get his boss.

The restaurant manager walked outside to reason with the woman. “She rolled up her window when I tried to speak to her,” the manager said. “She then opened her sunroof and yelled, ‘Call 911 bitch, I dare you.’” When the manager called police, the woman “pulled forward — at high speed — and parked in my valet parking area.” The woman refused to move her car and cranked up her radio, blasting music until police arrived.

A cop noted the ear-splitting volume. “Upon my approach to the car, the radio in the vehicle was extremely loud. Loud enough so I could hear each word of the song audible to make out the lyrics clearly from 75-100 feet away.”

The cop asked the woman to please turn down her radio.

“Fuck you,” she responded.

The cop: “Again, I asked her to politely to turn down the radio.”

“Fuck you,” the woman said. “Hold on a minute while I take a selfie.”

Get out of your car, the cop ordered.

“Can’t you just hold on and let me take a picture?” the woman bellowed.

Get out of your car, the cop repeated.

“Fuck you, make me!” she yelled. “Fuck this, I’m leaving.”

The woman tried to put her car in drive, with the door open. The cop promptly handcuffed her. While “cursing uncontrollably,” the woman reportedly threatened the cop by stating “she wanted to fucking kill me and get her boys to ‘retire’ me,” the cop noted.

A restaurant employee witnessed the woman’s diatribe. “I heard her threaten to have the officer ‘cancelled’ and for her male passenger to ‘murder this motherfucker.’” Next, the woman refused to get out of the patrol car until “we treated her with dignity,” the cop noted.

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Weird thefts of the year

NUTTY FIND: Near Atlantic Station, a 19-year-old man parked his Volkswagen Jetta and went inside to shop. About 10 minutes later, he returned to his car and noticed a problem: The driver’s-side window was smashed and his black-and-orange backpack was missing from the passenger seat.

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The 19-year-old said his missing backpack contained a MacBook Pro computer, an iPad Air, a digital camera, one pair of Prada prescription sunglasses, an external hard drive, and a brown gavel with the word “Malice” engraved on it. “The man further stated that five jars of peanut butter and five jars of jelly were removed from his vehicle,” the cop noted.

VISION QUEST: In the Perkerson Park area, an older bleary-eyed man walked into a convenience store and allegedly stole 11 different bottles of eye drops. No two bottles were the same brand. His collection included “advanced” drops, “maximum” drops, “original” drops, “gel” drops, and “balanced” drops. He went to jail on a shoplifting charge. The eye drops are worth $88.35.

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Aging hipster of the year

THIS IS 30: A suburban guy was peeing on a street near Aaron’s Amphitheater at Lakewood. A cop flipped on his blue lights. Startled, the man stopped peeing and quickly walked away. Soon, the man’s brisk walk morphed into a jog.

“By the time I made it to St. Johns [Avenue], the male was in a full sprint, running northbound on Pryor Road,” the cop noted. “The male slowed to a jog as he ran through the parking lot” of a gas station. “I watched as the male ran and quickly ducked behind a vehicle. I then exited my vehicle and stealthily flanked the male.” The man darted off, sprinting again. The cop yelled, “Police! Stop!” Bystanders cheered, “He got the police running!”

The cop kept up the foot chase. “I was able to catch the male at the entrance to the Lakewood concert [venue].” Once handcuffed, the man said he was very sorry, and he ran due to extreme fear. “I got scared, I grew up running from the police in Dunwoody,” the man explained. “I’m athletic, I thought I could get away, but I’m 30 years old now.”

The man still lives in Dunwoody. He went to jail, charged with peeing in public.

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Health care demand of the year

REALITY BITES: Near Greenbriar Mall, a woman wearing a blue striped dress marched into a dentist’s office and demanded a root canal. (The dentist had treated the woman before.) The dentist told her that he couldn’t perform the root canal himself and recommended that she see a specialist. The woman, 45, was “unsatisfied with this and only wanted the pain to stop and demanded that her dentist perform the procedure,” a cop noted. Once again, the dentist explained that he could not perform the root canal. The woman alledgedly retrieved an aluminum bat from her car and threatened the dentist with it. She reportedly tried to hit the dentist with the bat, but he grabbed it to prevent being struck.

Finally, the woman stormed away. As a parting gesture, she swung her bat at his office wall, leaving a hole.

Once the woman exited the office, the dentist’s assistant locked the front door. “There is video surveillance in the dentist office lobby, which should capture [the woman] entering and exiting the office with a bat,” the officer noted. “During my investigation, I was wearing a body camera and utilized the camera function on the video recorder to take pictures of the damage.”

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Car theft of the year

GETAWAY CAR: In Midtown, a 25-year-old man strolled home from work along Peachtree Street when he saw a shocking sight: his own car was headed toward him driven by two strangers. The man watched as his car stopped at the traffic light at Peachtree and 14th streets. The man raced over to his car, banged on the window, and yelled for the thieves to stop. He flung the door open and tried to overpower the thieves, but the traffic light turned green and the thieves sped away.

A witness verified the man’s story to police. The 25-year-old said his car’s trunk has two prominent bumper stickers, one of which read: “Don’t Tread on Me.”

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Mystery graffiti of the year

GET SCHOOLED: A college in South Buckhead was recently vandalized. The perps gained access to a locked roof area and spray-painted the walls with images and phrases such as “The Academie,” “God, Watch Over ATL,” “One Love,” and “We Are All Angels.” A school security guard was very perplexed about how the perps got onto the roof because the rooftop doors are locked 24/7.

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Lazy Taser of the year

CUT AND RUN: Police received a call about a person armed with a knife at a house in South Atlanta. Upon arrival, a cop noted, “He told us that he was a federal agent and had very pronounced delusions about where he was.”

Behavioral health workers believed the man had been off his medication for days. They wanted to take the man to Grady Memorial Hospital and urged the cops to help with “assistance in getting him out of the home.” Cops agreed and got the man outside. “As we got out of the house, the male understood that he was going to Grady against his will,” a cop noted. “He began sprinting as fast as a 58-year-old smoker can run.”

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The cop asked health workers if they wanted him to use force to take the man into custody. No, they replied. After the man ran 50 yards, the knife fell from his pocket and he picked it up. “He began running with the knife in his hand,” the cop noted. “Apparently, this changed the opinion of the Grady behavioral health workers and they said they did want him in custody.”

The cop sprinted after the man, chasing him for at least 100 yards. “The blade of the knife was open and in his hand,” the cop noted. “The male stopped to take his boots off, then continued running. Eventually, he tired out with the knife still in his hand. I feared that he would decide to use the knife to either attack me or defend himself from being taken into custody.” So the cop used his Taser. “The prongs entered [the man’s] back at his waist and his lower shoulder blade.”

Police took the man in for a psychological evaluation.

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Cop tales of the year

GREAT BALLS OF FIRE: A police recruit “was cutting the grass at the Atlanta Police Academy when he was bitten by insects to his left leg and right testicle area,” according to a police report.

“He complained of swelling and was sent to get medical treatment.”

DOUGHNUT SURPRISE: A cop said a woman walked into the Zone 3 precinct, handed him a loaded .38 special revolver, and said she found it at a local doughnut shop. “Have fun with that,” she said.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.