The Blotter: Drivin’ N Whinin’

Around 4 a.m., a cop pulled behind a suspicious silver Audi blocking traffic on Collier Road. The driver’s side door was wide open. Suddenly, the Audi started rolling backward. “I quickly shifted my patrol car into reverse and backed up in order to avoid being struck by the driver of the silver Audi,” the cop wrote.

The officer got out and asked the driver for his license. “He appeared confused — and handed me his debit card,” the officer wrote. The man said that earlier he and a friend had some drinks while watching football at his Buckhead apartment and now he was driving to Walmart.

The officer asked him to do some field sobriety tests starting with the ol’ walk-the-line test. “I asked him to use the painted line from a parking space as the straight line for the 9-step test,” the cop wrote. The man stumbled on the seventh and eighth steps and fell off the line. Frustrated, the man just kept on walking — right into the street.

“Stop! Do not go into the street!” the cop yelled. The man turned around before any swerving cars hit him. He went to jail on a DUI charge.

AMPHIBIAN MYSTERY: In Ansley Park, a man returned home after the holidays, and realized something was quite wrong with his beloved trio of frog statues in his front yard. The frog trio was now a duo. Someone had swiped one of his beloved copper frogs. The man says the missing frog is painted green and weighs about 20 pounds. His other two frog statues are lonely without their third companion. No suspects.

WHEN SEX ED FAILS: At an East Point grocery store, an 18-year-old guy walked in and initially tried to steal a box of 36 Trojan condoms by shoving them into his bag. Then he moved down the aisle and swiped a First Response pregnancy test kit ($20) and tried to run out of the store. A security guard stopped him. The guy admitted to stealing the condoms and the pregnancy test but said he didn’t have enough money to pay for them. Cops searched him and found $50 bucks on him. Clearly, he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Next time, steal condoms well in advance and maybe you can head off those reproductive worries.

BRIDAL ENVY? A Virginia-Highland couple broke up after attending a wedding together. The girlfriend, 34, said they started to bicker and argue at the wedding. Then, she says, her live-in boyfriend shoved wedding cake in her face (in a mean way, not in a nice, cutesy way). The woman returned to their home on Drewry Street, but the boyfriend had locked her out. The woman asked her boyfriend to let her in — no response. So she broke the glass-door window and unlocked it to get inside. Then, she and her boyfriend argued some more — this time over the broken glass. The fight got so intense that she called 911 and the boyfriend left. No one was hurt (except the front door). The woman asked to file a police report against boyfriend.

CHICKEN LITTLE WAS RIGHT: The sky is falling. A 26-year-old woman said she was sitting on her back porch relaxing when suddenly a gutter fell from the roof and landed on her head. She said she’d go to the hospital later when she finds someone to watch her kids, but she’s got a walloping headache. The woman says she plans to press charges against her apartment complex.

SMILES, EVERYONE, SMILES! In Midtown, a young couple with two babies and a large stroller went to a grocery store on West Peachtree Street. The boyfriend stuffed about $540 worth of teeth whitening products into a bag attached to their stroller. A security guard walked by and the woman concealed the bag by throwing her son’s brown leather jacket over it. Both man and woman went to jail on shoplifting charges. Cops released the baby boy and girl to their grandmother. The stolen merchandise included Crest 3D whitening strips, 12 Sonicare toothbrushes, and three Thermacell Lanterns.

UNUSUAL SALES TECHNIQUE: A 60-year-old man said he went to a liquor store on Campbellton Road and the clerk pickpocketed him and swiped $180 cash. The clerk said the guy is a frequent customer and they often joke around together. He admitted to sliding the man’s keys out of his pockets and says he returned the keys when the man started to leave. The cashier said it was all a joke and he had played the same joke on the same customer before. What about the $180 bucks? Oh, the clerk says he has no clue about any missing money.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.