The Blotter: Granny's groove machine

An Atlanta woman returned from vacation and found her home in total disarray. A door and window were wide open. The woman said she walked around the home and slowly realized how much stuff was missing. She called police and reported an extensive list of stolen items: one pair of Gucci sunglasses, Coach luggage, a saxophone, three televisions, jewelry, purses, wallets, $2,500 cash, a laptop computer, an iPad and Blackberry, her favorite handgun, and finally, her grandmother's ukulele. The cop asked for identifying numbers to help find the expensive stuff, but the woman did not have ID numbers for anything, including granny's ukulele.

Cup runneth over

Police responded to a possible hit-and-run in Buckhead. According to a witness, a dark-haired man driving a red sedan slammed into an empty car. The driver allegedly got out of his sedan, looked at the damage, hopped back in his car, and drove behind an apartment complex. The responding officer looked behind the complex and found a red pickup truck "resting against a tree, engulfed in flames." Apparently, the driver's escape ended there. "I noticed that the brake lights were being activated, going on and off, signaling to me that somebody was still inside the vehicle," the cop noted. "There was so much smoke, I could not see if anybody was in the vehicle." The cop reached into an open car window, unlocked the door and found the dark-haired driver, a 35-year-old man from Athens, Ga.

The cop grabbed the driver's arm, unbuckled his seat belt, and tried to yank him from the burning car. "The accused was so incoherent ... and was pulling away from me, I had to grab him by his head to pull him out," the cop wrote. The driver was conscious and breathing — amazingly, he wasn't injured. However, he "could not hold a conversation," the cop noted. "While sitting on the curb, I observed [the man] fall to the side, hitting his head on the pavement." Also, there were "marks from a needle on his right arm."

The cop searched the man and found a bag of white powdery stuff in a bizarre hiding spot. "The baggy was inside of a groin protection cup the accused was wearing," the cop noted. A police field test confirmed that the white powder tested positive for methamphetamine. The officer concluded: "The methamphetamine was turned into Atlanta Police property along with the groin protection cup."

Wet and wild

People were gawking at a man outside the Five Points MARTA station. "He took off all his clothes and stood in the middle of Peachtree Street," a cop observed, adding, "The weather was warm and there was [sic] many other pedestrians in the area. All of them were looking at or taking video of the naked man." The cop looked around for the nude guy's clothes. "He had some wet pants that he abandoned in the roadway. A crack-pipe was in the roadway that fell out of his pants," the cop noted. The man had no identification and refused to speak. According to the cop, he "appeared to be under the influence of possible 'bathsalts' due to no speech, irrational behavior and appearing to be in another state of mind." The cop put the naked guy inside his patrol car and concluded his report by emphasizing the soggy factor. "His wet garments were in poor shape and wet," the cop noted. "The male would not put them on. They were disposed of due to [police] property will not take wet clothes."

Unlucky dude of the week

Undercover cops staked out a gas station on Lakewood Avenue with a "decoy" car. "We strategically parked an undercover vehicle in the parking lot" and walked away to watch, an officer noted. "Not two minutes went by before the surveillance officer stated that a group of males [were] approaching the 'decoy' vehicle." Suddenly, the decoy car's brake lights flashed on "meaning someone had entered the vehicle and pressed the brakes." Simultaneously, a green Jeep Cherokee pulled alongside the undercover cop, and the front and rear passenger doors flung open. "Fearing the undercover vehicle was about to be stolen" police called for backup units. Turns out, the four guys in the Jeep had absolutely no connection to the guys scoping out the "decoy" car. They drove up by coincidence. Still, a cop decided to pat down the Jeep's driver, a 38-year-old man from Mableton, Ga. "Do you have anything illegal on you?" the cop asked. "Yeah, I have some dope on my nuts," the man replied, placing his hand on his right thigh. "I then asked the man to retrieve the 'dope' for me, in which he complied and reached his hand into his pants. After a brief moment, the man said, "It's falling down my leg" and shook his right leg. His dope sack contained six bags of suspected cocaine. The cop asked the man if he had anything else. "Yes, I have some weed in the car," the man confessed. Seventeen individual baggies of suspected marijuana were stashed in a compartment in his Jeep. The man went to jail and was charged with possessing coke and pot with the intent to distribute.

Potty-mouth prince

At Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, a 51-year-old Florida man allegedly caused a ruckus at a private lounge for frequent flyers. Lounge employees said the man's tirade included loud cursing, and he demanded airline higher-ups explain why the airline had banned him from flying that night. "[The Florida man] was noticeably intoxicated, his body swaying, speech was loud, and [he was] constantly repeating himself," a cop noted, trying to calm him down. Eventually, the Florida man agreed to leave the lounge.

As the cop walked him toward a patrol car, the Florida man pulled out a video recorder and waved it around. He said he was "recording our conversation" and insisted that the cop find his luggage. "He was not going to leave my car until I got his bags," the cop noted. So the cop drove to baggage claim, where it took "several minutes" to get him out of the patrol car. "While curbside, [the Florida man] continued his behavior, videotaping myself and other officers who came to the scene," the police report continued. "[He] referred to me as a dick on one or two occasions. [He] was again on the phone, speaking with someone saying he was denied board because he said 'fuck' too loud." Within an hour, the Florida man allegedly went bonkers in the baggage claim area — so he went to jail, charged with disorderly conduct/intoxication.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.

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