The Blotter: Holy infant, so tender and coiled

Cops received a call about a “woman refusing to leave” a motel in Old Fourth Ward. “I met with the woman. She said that she had a bomb,” the cop noted. “She did not have a bomb — it was clothing under her shirt in the shape of a baby.”

“I pulled the clothes out of the bottom of her shirt, after placing her in cuffs,” the cop noted. “She then accused me of aborting her baby. She said that she was an Anaconda.”

For the grand finale, the woman screamed a bizarre threat directed at the cop: “I am going to wrap around you and bite your dick off!”

The cop took the woman to Grady Memorial Hospital for an mental evaluation. “She was not cooperative ... she continued to threaten harm and threaten to spit on any staff member close to her.”

Walkin’ in a winter wonderland

A cop received a distress call from a Chipotle restaurant in Buckhead. The cop rushed to the restaurant, noting, “I met with [a 57-year-old man] who stated that he had a glass of wine earlier, then while walking down Piedmont Road near Lenox Road, two hours of his life went unaccounted for. He later found himself inside the Chipotle restaurant with his shoes off.”

Also, the man remembers clutching his briefcase earlier. Somehow, during his two-hour mystery tour, his briefcase filled with “important documents” vanished.

Angels we have heard on high

In Buckhead Village, a 23-year-old man was driving along East Paces Ferry Road when a woman jumped into the street and started hurling bottles at his new silver Jeep. One bottle struck the Jeep’s door. After he drove by, the woman started flinging bottles at another car, so the man called police.

A cop found the bottle-launcher — a 30-year-old woman from Auburn, Ga. — and sat her down for a chat.

“[The woman] said she was getting off of work from the chicken processing plant near the location and wanted to get her car from the valet, which was driving in circles around her,” the cop noted. “[She] said she threw bottles at the cars due to the fact that she thought one of them belonged to her, and her car had been stolen from her.”

The cop found the woman’s story quite bizarre — there’s no chicken processing plant in Buckhead Village. “She did not appear to be in her right state of mind,” the cop noted. “[She] said she had been working at the chicken processing plant, which is now actually a multi-living apartment building.”

The woman went to jail for disorderly conduct.

Naughty or nice?

A 21-year-old woman left her apartment in Edgewood for two days. When she returned, a rear window had been smashed. A knife was left on the kitchen table, near the shattered window. “Someone placed an inflated air mattress over the window,” a cop noted. Nothing was missing from the woman’s apartment. “But a pair of tennis shoes that had been in her bedroom were now sitting on the couch,” the cop observed. “She advised that the intruders may have watched TV while they were inside the home.” The young woman said something similar happened recently, but she didn’t call police. “She advised after the first time, she received a note on her door which read: ‘I broke into your house, but I think you are cute.’” No suspects.

Hell-raiser horny grinch

A 21-year-old woman went home for the holidays for two weeks, leaving her third-floor apartment in locked. When she returned, her apartment was a vandalized disaster: Someone broke off the doorknob, kicked holes in the walls, ransacked her clothes, and apparently had a good time in her empty pad. Several used condoms and cigarette butts were scattered all over the floor. Also, the hell-raisers ate her food, yet nothing of value was missing from her apartment. The woman suspects her downstairs neighbors, who saw her leaving for her holiday trip — but she cannot prove it.

“Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)”

Neighbors called police about a “loud disturbance” coming from a home on Beecher Street. A cop went to noisy house and spoke with a very harried mother, who said her teenage daughter had been driving her nuts. The mother’s breath smelled of booze, according to the police report.

The 17-year-old daughter said she and her mom were verbally clashing and arguing “throughout the day.” Also, according to the daughter, her mother called police to the home three times earlier that same day. Apparently, this mother had endured too much teenage angst for one holiday season. “I had to have a beer because she was driving me crazy!” the mother told police. The mother, 59, requested to go to jail to get away from her 17-year-old daughter. Cops honored the mother’s request and took her to jail on a disorderly conduct charge.

Holiday ‘Bama-hamma

At a Peachtree Center hotel, a middle-age lawyer with blood dripping down his face and hands said he was “sucker-punched three times to the face” as he exited a hotel elevator on the 14th floor. The lawyer, 52, smelled of booze, according to the police report.

A male witness saw the brawl go down. The 27-year-old witness said he met the lawyer in the hotel lobby earlier in the day and “became friendly with him,” a cop noted. The witness said he and the lawyer started chatting with an unidentified couple (a male and female). “They all went up to the 14th floor,” the cop noted. Apparently, the lawyer “got into a heated argument about the SEC game between Alabama and Florida, when suddenly, the unidentified man punched him in the face.” The lawyer said his head hurts and he’ll sue the unidentified male ‘Bama fan — if police ever catch him.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.