The Blotter’s New Year’s resolutions - 2016

Resolution No. 1: Don’t get caught over dog washing

In Northwest Atlanta, a 35-year-old woman said she brawled with her plump “drug-dealing neighbor” and his four lady sidekicks. “While speaking with [the 35-year-old woman], I noticed that she was behaving erratically and possibly intoxicated,” a cop noted. The woman, who kept yelling at the cop, had a swollen forehead and a cut above her left eyebrow.

The plump male neighbor in question said the spat began when the 35-year-old woman stormed into his yard and banged on his door. The male neighbor said that days ago he paid the 35-year-old to wash his two Chihuahuas, but she never completed the job so she owed him his money back. Also, he claimed a woman nicknamed “Peaches” is the culprit who punched the woman’s face — and Peaches was long gone.

The male neighbor was very cooperative with police, “even providing his hands so I could observe his knuckles showed zero signs associated with punching someone,” the cop noted. His zeal to cooperate proved to be his downfall, though. The cop ran a standard computer check: The plump male neighbor had an active warrant for skipping a court date. So the cop searched him and found wads of money stuffed in various pockets. According to the police report, one cash wad smelled of raw marijuana. The plump man was carrying $1,193 cash, “which was separated into multiple pockets and consistent with the manner in which drug dealers frequently collect and separate money from customers to keep track of their sales activity,” the cop wrote. “As he was aware of my suspicions of his involvement of drug activity, the man spontaneously uttered that he ‘gambles’ as a plausible excuse.”

In the male neighbor’s wallet, the cop found Georgia ID cards, two credit cards, and two food stamp cards — each one featuring a different name. The male neighbor’s “explanations for possessing the various cards made very little sense,” the cop noted. He said he kept an elderly woman’s food stamp card because people try to steal from her. And he claimed he found the SunTrust credit card on his front porch. Suspicions growing, the cop decided to run a nationwide criminal history check on the plump neighbor: Turns out, he has a long history of fraud-related offenses and drug-trafficking in Ohio.

Resolution No. 2: Don’t get drunk and hurl stuff at police

In Old Fourth Ward, a cop working overtime drove his patrol car down Ponce de Leon Avenue. The cop spotted a man walking with a friend. “While looking over at the male, I heard him yell, then pull his arm back, and throw something through the air toward the side of Ponce that I was driving on,” the cop noted. “The item struck the top of my patrol car and toppled off. I immediately initiated my blue lights and sirens, made a U-turn, placing my vehicle in park in front of the suspect. The cop noted that he asked the man “what he was doing, and he said, ‘That was stupid, I’m sorry.’

“I asked him again what he was doing and he stated that he was trying to throw his cup at the females who were walking on the other side of Ponce de Leon, and hit my car instead,” the cop noted. The man, 25, smelled heavily of booze.

The cop decided to give the cup-thrower a ticket for disorderly conduct instead of taking him to jail.

Resolution No. 3: Don’t marry anyone you dated at age 15

A marital spat broke out at an Atlanta mobile home community on Jonesboro Road. A 20-year-old woman claimed her husband, who is seven years older, “slapped her after accusing her of being with another man within their trailer park residence,” a cop noted. After the slap, the 27-year-old husband left quickly, warning his wife not to call police. The woman had no signs of visible injury, the cop noted.

The 20-year-old said these wild cheating accusations and slaps have happened several times before during their five-year relationship. “She’s tired of it,” the cop noted. As well she should be. After all, she started dating her husband when she was just 15. Take it from the Blotter Diva: Some things do not get better with time.

Resolution No. 4: Dump his ass already

In Lithia Springs, a 22-year-old woman called her live-in boyfriend and asked him to come home. The boyfriend adamantly refused. On a hunch, the woman drove to her boyfriend’s ex-wife’s apartment. Yep, her boyfriend’s car was parked outside the apartment. From her car, the girlfriend called her boyfriend’s cellphone and asked what he was doing at his ex-wife’s apartment. The girlfriend stood in the parking lot and waited for her boyfriend to come home with her. Instead, the ex-wife raced outside and alledgedly punched the girlfriend. The girlfriend fell to the ground, and the ex-wife alledgedly kicked her. The boyfriend wandered outside but didn’t try to stop the catfight. “That’s good for you,” the boyfriend told his current girlfriend. “You should have never come here.”

The boyfriend and his ex-wife hopped into a car together and sped away, leaving the girlfriend on the ground.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.