The Blotter July 05 2006

SEVERAL MEN were working on a house on Smith Street. One man was working upstairs when he suddenly screamed. He was bleeding from the butt — and a few minutes later, he passed out.

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According to the police report, someone else was drilling a hole in the wall upstairs. The man was standing on the other side of that wall, bent over. The drill went though the wall and into his anal cavity. He grabbed the drill bit and tried to pull it out of his butt. The man was taken to Grady Memorial Hospital with serious injuries to his buttocks and cuts on his hands.

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AT THE INTERSECTION of Broad Street and Martin Luther King Jr. Drive, police busted two men for drinking near a liquor store. (It’s illegal to drink within 100 feet of a liquor store.) During arrest, the officers searched one man and found some suspected crack and cocaine. The man said it was finely chopped pecans. The officer ran a computer check on the man, who gave a fake date of birth at first. The police officer got a message that police in North Carolina advise using caution with the man because he is a gang member with the Bloods. The man has a tattoo of the World Trade Center on his back. He went to jail.

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A 24-YEAR-OLD WOMAN said her ex-boyfriend, nicknamed “TooToo,” is calling and harassing her because she doesn’t want to be with him anymore. She said TooToo called her the B-word and said her mother is a bulldyke. The woman told police that she wasn’t sure of TooToo’s last name.

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In Buckhead, a security guard saw a grenade inside a Jeep Cherokee parked on West Paces Ferry Road. The security guard picked up the grenade — it didn’t go off. A police officer arrived and looked at the grenade. He noticed that the mechanism that held the pin was missing. Police concluded that the grenade wasn’t live. A bomb unit was called and the scene was rendered safe.

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AT THE INTERSECTION of Buford Highway and Lenox Road, a man wearing black dress pants and a white tank top was directing traffic and standing in the street. A police officer spotted him and started to approach. The man ran away. About five minutes later, the man was back in the intersection, directing traffic. The police officer asked, “What are you doing?” The man replied, “Directing traffic.” He was taken to Grady Memorial Hospital’s psychiatric wing.

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AT WHOLE FOODS on Ponce de Leon Avenue, a woman ordered some fish. A worker saw the woman, who was in her 40s, put the fish order in her pants. Then, the woman noticed that people were watching. She removed the fish and threw it on the floor. She was stopped and charged with shoplifting. The woman said, “I was doing it for a friend.” The fish order turned out to be $48.01 worth of deli shrimp.

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A MAN walked into the gift shop at Grady Memorial Hospital and tried to steal a Gatorade and an ice cream bar. He was stopped and searched. The man said he’s a diabetic and needed sugar. The man got a ticket for shoplifting.

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A MAN returned to his house on Robin Lane. He noticed that someone had spray-painted “Hot Wet Boys” on the back of his house. He said he looked up the phrase “hot wet boys” on the Internet and it is a Hispanic gang. He filed a police report.

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AN OFFICER was working undercover on Parsons Street. A 41-year-old woman with missing teeth flagged him down and asked for a ride. The officer said, “What you’re out doing?” The woman said, “I’m trying to make some money!” The officer said, “What ya doing?” She said, “Sex, head, whatever you want.” The officer smiled and said, “Yeah.” The woman asked, “What do you want?” The officer said, “Whatever you’re good at.” The woman said, “You can get pussy for $20.” The officer said, “That sounds good to me.” The woman asked, “Do you like a big ass?” Of course, the officer replied. She said, “That’s good, because I got a pretty big ass.” The woman, who weighs 175 pounds, was charged with solicitation.

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A WOMAN IN HER 20s walked into a police precinct and reported the following incident: She was at a bank on Ponce de Leon Avenue when a man walked up and gave her a hard-luck story about his little girl and how he needed money to buy food and other stuff for his little girl. So she withdrew $200 cash and gave it to him. He asked her for a ride, and she agreed. She dropped him off at Boulevard and Ponce. After he was gone, the woman realized her ATM card was missing. Then, another man approached her and asked her what was wrong. Then, this man asked if he could use her cell phone. The woman gave him her cell phone. He talked on the phone for a few seconds — and then took off running with her phone. She filed a report for the missing cash, ATM card and cell phone.

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A WOMAN WEARING FLIP-FLOPS called 911 and started cursing and swearing. An officer found her on Jesse Hill Drive. The woman, age 23, wore a black dress and had some missing teeth. The woman started yelling and cursing at the officer, saying, “Fuck you ... you can’t eat my pussy.” She said that over and over. So the officer arrested her for disorderly conduct. According to the police report, the woman has stretch marks. She complained of stomach pains and a headache from a car accident that happened three weeks ago. So the officer took her to a hospital.

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Her belongings included a purse, some playing cards, a wig and some super glue.

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lauren.keating@creativeloafing.com

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Items in The Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.