The Blotter February 03 2011

The manager of a pizza place on Highland Avenue called police about a crazy lady causing a ruckus. When an officer showed up, the woman started screaming and cursing at him, too, so he called for backup. Apparently, the woman proceeded to scream. And scream. And then she screamed some more. When police handcuffed her, she let her body go limp and refused to walk, so they carried her to the patrol car, where she repeatedly kicked the window. Also, the officer wrote, “She threatened to sue me for an excess of $13 million dollars.” When she was booked, the woman’s change ($1.09), jewelry, shoes — and her wig — were turned in to police property.

BABY GOT BACK: Near Hollywood Road, an undercover officer said a woman hopped into his unmarked car, gave him a hug and kissed his neck. Then, she said, “You want some of this big ol’ booty, don’t you?” The officer said he inquired about price, and it was a true bargain: $20 would get him “head and pussy.” The woman, 45, went to jail for prostitution.

FAIR TO SAMPLE? On the same night — a few hours later — the same undercover officer was working near Neal Street. He said a woman got into his car and asked whether he is a cop. To prove he isn’t, the officer rubbed his groin area — and then let her do it. Says the police report, “She then proceeded to rub his groin area. She then stated OK for $20 we can fuck.” After his randy rub, the officer arrested the woman, 31, for prostitution.

HARD TIMES: Getting caught shoplifting is embarrassing, but so much more so if you’re stealing poop products. At a Walmart on Howell Mill Road, police say a woman opened a package of Dulcolax Stool Softener, removed some pills and put them in her pocket. After she left the store, the 20-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. (The stool softener is worth $17.)

BAD CALL: On a recent Friday, police received a call from a boozed-up Morehouse Drive resident. When they arrived, she was sitting on the front porch, yelling, cursing and crying about someone stealing money from her purse. The officer said, “I asked her time and time again to remain silent, but she did not cooperate. She got louder and louder, ignoring my directions, [and] acting in rage. I then tried to detain her until I could figure out what the problem was and she began to hold me and wouldn’t let go of my shirt ... I tried to remove her hands from my shirt and she refused to let go with a tight grip.”

The officer finally freed himself from drunky, and interviewed her boyfriend who said she’d been drinking and acting out of character all day. When the officer got back outside to check on her, he found her screaming and kicking his car door. Seriously, people. Don’t drunk dial the police.

PICKUP ARTIST: According to his statement to police, a 66-year-old man met a woman named “Rosie” at around 11:30 p.m. somewhere on Greenbriar Parkway. The happy couple decided to go back to his apartment in his 2006 Suzuki Forenza, and were “having a good conversation and drinking” when Rosie began complaining that she was in a hurry and had to leave “before she was late.” The man said his newfound lady friend disappeared suddenly — in his car. He called police and reported his car stolen.

STUPID MOVE OF THE WEEK: An employee at a luxury hotel on West Paces Ferry Road told police that when he arrived at work he put his stuff in a locker and secured the lock. But when he returned 12 hours later, the locker was damaged and all his belongings were gone — including a Homeland Security ID he kept in his wallet. The man said his jacket and pants were stolen from his locker, but that he found his pants in a nearby trash can. No word on why a hotel employee would require a Homeland Security ID.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.