The Blotter August 04 2011

On Pineview Terrace, an officer saw a woman “with a beer can in her hand, nude from the waist down, performing a sexual act on a City of Atlanta fire hydrant.”

It gets worse. Much worse. Apparently, the woman was fornicating with the fire hydrant across the street from her 80-year-old mother’s home. And Mom was looking out the window and saw the whole thing.

The officer approached the woman and her fire hydrant. “Upon seeing me, she threw the beer can down and started to walk away, but was hindered by her pants being around her ankles,” the officer wrote. “I placed her in custody and helped her pull her pants up, and get them fastened around her waist with her belt.” Surprise! The woman appeared to be very drunk. The mother said her daughter has a problem with crack cocaine and always gets high, and then comes and causes problems outside her home. (The elderly mother has custody of the woman’s four kids, ages 8 to 18, who were home at the time.) Also, the mother said her daughter gives false names to police, and that’s why she spends such short periods of time in jail after being arrested.

The woman, 44, went to jail on charges of public indecency, public drunkenness and littering (the beer can).

SATAN’S SPAWN: A Peachtree Road divorcée called police when her ex-husband wanted to return their son. Apparently, he took their son to the movies, which turned into a disaster when the kid started screaming. A guy who identified himself as a security guard grabbed the son’s arm — to shut him up, presumably — but when actual security was called, it turned out grabby guy wasn’t a guard at all. The man told his ex-wife he was very upset by the entire ordeal and was dropping their kid off because he’s a little devil.

SPELL CHECK: A 22-year-old woman says a man left a business card on the windshield of her car with his name and phone number, along with a note asking her for a date. The woman told him that she isn’t interested because she has a boyfriend. Now, the woman suspects the same guy of breaking the glass on her front door, damaging her outside light and leaving food on her doorstep. Also, there was black spray paint on the peepholes and the word “HOE” was scrawled on her front door.

WATCH OUT: On a recent Friday night, a 33-year-old man from Augusta said he was too drunk to drive, so he and friend took a taxi to a motel on Cheshire Bridge Road. The man said he went to sleep after putting his watch on the nightstand. He said he left the door to the room wide open (always a good idea at a motel on Cheshire Bridge Road) and that during the night, someone must have entered the motel room and stolen the watch. Apparently, the man and his friend were mighty drunk, because neither one heard a thing during the alleged robbery. Nothing else was reported missing from the room.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.