The Blotter March 01 2012

Things got tense during a Sunday gathering at a church in Collier Heights. A woman walked into the “deaconess meeting” in the chapel and asked the head deaconess if she could say something before the meeting started. She said something was heavy on her heart, and she needed to express it. She said another woman in the room, wearing “deaconess attire,” should NOT be there, because that woman had been absent for five months and “owed the church and the Deaconess board an apology for embarrassing the church by dragging their name through the mud in court by lying.”

Perhaps concerned her protestations had fallen on deaf ears, the woman grabbed a ball-point pen and rushed at the supposedly faux-deaconess, screaming, “Liar, Liar, I will see you in hell!” She damned the pastor to hell, too.

The head deaconess jumped in between the two women and held them apart to avoid a fight. The other woman wants a warrant against the ball-point woman for character defamation.

PASTA PROBLEMS: Lasagna sparked a fight between two male cousins (ages 50 and 28) who live together on Springdale Road, so they called the police in to mediate. The older cousin, who admitted he was tipsy, said he was putting a pan of lasagna in the oven to warm it up when his younger cousin told him not to mess with the oven. The older cousin reminded the younger one that it’s his home, his kitchen, and he’ll do whatever he wants. Then he said the younger cousin attacked him and punched his ribs. (The officer looked at his torso, but there were no marks or any signs of injury.)

The younger cousin’s story: He said the older cousin was drinking booze all day and he warned him not to mess around with the hot stove while he was drunk. Also, the younger cousin said he’d only offered to heat up the lasagna to be helpful. He said the older cousin violently lunged at him, so he pushed his cousin in self-defense. Police charged both cousins with disorderly conduct and took them to jail.

BUMBLING BURGLAR: Around 10 a.m., a pizza place worker said he got out of his car to open up the restaurant, when a guy with a goatee walked up and asked if they were hiring. Apparently, goatee man didn’t really want a job application, because he pulled out a gun and demanded the pizza guy’s deposit bag. Pizza guy told him, sure, he could have the deposit bag, but he told him there wasn’t any money inside. Goatee-man demanded the deposit bag anyway and fled on foot. Pizza guy called police and explained that, actually, he’d been telling the truth to the bearded bandit. There really wasn’t any money in the bag.

FIRED UP: A 28-year-old resident of a Kimberly Way apartment complex is fed up with a neighbor who she says makes too much noise. In addition, the neighbor’s kids are little pyros who set balloons and pictures on fire on their patio. She said they dropped some of the burnt stuff on her porch, which she took a picture of. She filed a police report.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.