The Blotter May 03 2012

Ladies, be wary of going to a strip club with Damien from Alabama. Especially if he drives a white Cadillac Escalade. A 21-year-old woman said she met a guy named Damien about two months ago and was under the impression they’d become good friends. Recently, when they ventured out to a strip club on Cheshire Bridge Road, the woman decided to lock her purse in Damien’s Cadillac before they walked in. She says, after a few hours, Damien ditched her at the strip club and drove away with her purse. They didn’t have a fight or anything — he just left. She kept calling Damien, asking for her purse back, but he refuses to return it. Damien said, “It’s karma” and “What goes around comes around.” She told police she doesn’t know her purse-snatching buddy’s last name.

SUNDAY SHOWDOWN: In Venetian Hills, a 21-year-old man said he got into a fight with his aunt because he’d failed to get the children in the house and ready to go to a family religious celebration. Apparently, he misunderstood which children were actually supposed to go. His aunt was really pissed — so pissed she even tried to throw him out a second-story window. Then, the aunt went outside and flattened two tires on his Honda Accord. (The man is just four years younger than his 25-year-old aunt.)

The aunt’s story: She said her nephew tried to push her down the stairs, knocked her to the ground, and stomped on her. Police didn’t really care who started the fight — both the aunt and the nephew went to jail on battery charges.

SCHLITZ AND GIGGLES: One morning, an officer was mid-traffic stop when a 40-year-old man staggered into the street and asked for his help. “He had a brown bag containing a Schlitz beer in his hand,” the officer wrote. “I excused myself from the traffic stop to inquire about what his emergency was, thinking it may be a true emergency where police were required. I asked him what was wrong.” The man said, “I need you to call my girl and tell her to come home.” “Sir, that’s not an emergency,” the officer said. “I’ll help you when I’m done. Step out of the street.”

The man refused to move and again pleaded for the cop’s help. The cop promptly arrested him for “pedestrian under the influence.” In the patrol car, the man repeatedly said he was actually at home when the officer arrested him “and drinking in your own home isn’t a crime.” The officer wrote: “I reassured him it wasn’t, but unfortunately, he was in the street, while very intoxicated and refused to follow my instructions.”

Also, the man reportedly threatened to sue the cop for arresting him at home. But his righteous indignation vanished within moments. The man fell asleep and was “snoring loudly” in the patrol car.

FAULTY MEMORIES: Waiting tables is thankless work, but this is ridiculous. A man walked into a bar near Lindbergh, rolled up his sleeve and punched a waitress in the stomach “with such force” that it stunned her. The man claimed the waitress worked for him 20 years ago. However, two decades ago, the waitress was only 6 years old. Police caught the man outside the bar and sent him to jail for the unprovoked attack. The waitress said she’d never met the strange man before.

HARD SELL, SOFT SELL: On a recent evening, an undercover cop says he met two male prostitutes with two very different pitches. First, on Collier Road, a 22-year-old man reportedly flagged down the undercover cop and said he is good at “everything” and his price — $60 — includes oral and anal sex. The man said his oral sex is so good, you’d think that he didn’t have any teeth. The undercover cop took him to jail on solicitation charges. The man’s pink purse (with a knife inside) was turned in to police property.

Hours later, the officer was stopped by a 23-year-old man with less confidence and a lower price. The man offered “everything” for $40. He said he would try to “deep throat” the penis, but he’s not very good at “deep throat” techniques. The cop arrested him, and his black purse was turned in to evidence. Perhaps the more savvy hooker could give him some BJ lessons.

PLEASED TO MEAT YOU: At a Buckhead grocery store, a 52-year-old man reportedly tried to hide two racks of lamb (worth a $136) into a bag and skedaddle without paying. He went to jail on a shoplifting charge.

Across town at a Ponce de Leon Avenue grocery store, another potential meat thief had more lowbrow tastes. He allegedly opened a pack of knockwurst, devoured one, then put the remaining sausages in his pocket and tried to leave the store. Somehow, he managed to cut his hand before his arrest.

HUSTLE & BLOW: On West End Place, a 33-year-old man said someone broke into his home and stole three pairs of alligator shoes (worth $3,000), a mink coat, a beat machine, turntables, a microphone, a Persian rug, a diamond ring and chain, and $72,000 worth of camera gear. I have to say, this guy sounds like either a pimp, a pornographer, or a trust-funder pretending to be a DJ. Did the man have any security — like an alarm — at his house? Oh, hell no.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.