The Blotter May 24 2012

SOAP OPERA: A dramatic bandit stuffed three bottles of Dove body wash into his clothes and tried to leave a grocery store without paying. A security guard saw the whole thing and stopped the man, who spoke with "slurred speech" and refused to give his name. The guard took him upstairs to the security office, called police, and sat him down in a chair. But doing time for stealing soap wasn't in this guy's plan. Suddenly, the man leapt up from the chair, pushed the guard out of the way, and screamed that he's just not going to jail. Then the man raced over to the edge of the store balcony and jumped.

Fortunately, he didn't hit any shoppers below. The man injured his face, hands, and leg when he "jumped from the upstairs balcony and landed on the first floor."

A police officer arrived to deal with the situation and took the man to jail. The the bottles of body wash were worth a total of $19.47. And yes, the man was tipsy.

TOOLING AROUND: Around 11 p.m., a woman said a "dirty drill" came flying through her bedroom window on Kennesaw Drive, smashing the glass. The woman looked up and saw a guy friend running away from the outside of her apartment. (Really, she says, he's just a friend, not a "boyfriend.") The woman has no clue why the guy would be upset with her at all, not to mention furious enough to hurl a filthy power tool at her. A police officer dusted the dirty drill for fingerprints — no luck.

MEAT MAN: Near an East Point apartment complex, an officer stopped a minivan to give the driver a traffic ticket. The officer was writing the ticket in his patrol car, when a familiar guy called "Meat" strolled from the apartment complex, positioned himself in the middle of the street, and started screaming. The officer could not understand a word Meat was screaming, but "I remembered [him] from previous arrests in the area," he wrote.

The officer got on his loudspeaker and warned Meat to get out of the street. Meat kept "babbling and screaming toward me," the officer wrote. "I still could not understand what he was saying." Then, Meat stood directly in front of the patrol car, spread his legs, and "placed his hands in front of his groin area and proceeded to make a humping motion toward me," the officer wrote.

The officer tried to arrest Meat, who "crawled and rolled over ... and told me it was his birthday." Turns out, Meat was telling the truth, it was his 47th birthday. Meat resisted arrest for a good 20 minutes, but eventually the officer cuffed him. Apparently, the air-humping was Meat's birthday gift to himself.

MORE MEAT MEN: At a Buckhead grocery store, a 52-year-old man is accused of trying to stuff two racks of lamb (worth a whopping $136) into a bag and skedaddle without paying. He went to jail on a shoplifting charge.

On a much smaller meat scale, a man allegedly opened a pack of knockwurst hot dogs and ate one at a grocery store on Ponce de Leon Avenue. The man then put the remaining hot dogs into his pocket and tried to leave the store without paying. Somehow, he got a cut his hand before his arrest, so he went to a hospital.

PICTURE THIS: A cab driver said he picked up what looked like a typical Buckhead guy around 3 a.m. The man, who was wearing a white baseball cap, white shorts, and a grey T-shirt, requested that the cabbie take him to I-20 and Boulevard. So the cabbie complied. When they arrived, the man started "acting strange" and said "No, this is not my destination." The cabbie said the man made him feel really uncomfortable. When he asked for the $25 fare, the man jumped out, threw a $10 spot at him, and took off running. Fortunately (for the cabbie), the Buckhead guy left his red Blackberry in the cab. The cabbie scrolled through it, and found photos of the man "taking a picture of himself in the mirror" and other suggestive poses. The racy photos were turned in to police as evidence.

LET THE MUSIC PLAY: In Midtown, a woman returned to her Myrtle Drive apartment and realized her beloved "old-school stereo with a turntable and cassette player" was gone. She suspects her nephew, who's been staying with her since he got out of prison. She didn't see her nephew do anything, but the nephew is the only person with a key to her apartment. Oh, and her next-door neighbor said he lent the nephew his hand truck and helped the nephew carry the stereo down the steps. Her neighbor was very apologetic; he had no clue he was helping with a theft. The woman says her old-school stereo is worth $60. She wants police to find her nephew and arrest him, pronto.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.

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