The Blotter: The departed

A young man in army fatigue pants and a brown jacket asked to use the phone at a local family-run funeral home. “While on scene, the man also asked to use the restroom, which is located in the rear of the building,” a cop noted. “At the exit door, a bunch of keys [were] left hanging on the lock, which the male saw and took with him.” With the keys, the man stole a food processor and silver Kia Optima. Both of which belonged to a 70-year-old woman who is part owner of the funeral home. The brazen theft happened less than a mile from a nearby police precinct.

Sugar fix

In South Atlanta, someone saw a masked man trying to break into a coffee shop and called police. “Upon my arrival, I observed one shattered glass door — that appeared to have a hole through the middle,” a cop noted. “I observed in the coffee room a black in color duffel bag, which had a large amount of Skittles candy, Starburst candy and gum. It appeared the suspect abandoned the bag when making a quick exit.”

Surveillance video showed a suspect dressed in black with his or her face covered, who grabbed a large rock and hurled it through the glass-front door, creating hole. The suspect reached through the door to unlock it and gain entry. Then he stuffed his bag with candy. When the suspect spotted the arriving police officer, he freaked out, dropped his bag, and left.

Pleased to meat you

In Edgewood, a man said a strange thief dressed in red and black clothing broke into his apartment — while he was home. The thief stole one thing: a box of hamburgers from the refrigerator. The man tried to stop the Hamburglar, who closed the refrigerator door on his head, causing a visible injury.

Caribbean dream

A 65-year-old woman said a man who identified himself as an FBI agent called her for 30 days in a row. His demand? He insisted that the woman make “periodic wire transfers to a female ... who resides on the island of Jamaica to avoid being prosecuted in U.S. Court,” a cop noted. The woman didn’t know anyone living in Jamaica and said she doesn’t owe anyone money — yet she sent money to a complete stranger in Jamaica, anyway. Finally, she wised up and called Atlanta police.

“[She] showed me wire transfer receipts in the amount of $545,” a cop noted. The woman is in the process of changing her phone number and does not have caller ID on her phone. She requested a police report.

Community ties

A 47-year-old Kirkwood man reported a bizarre string of harassing phone calls. First, the manager at his credit union contacted him and said a man called pretending to be the 47-year-old Kirkwood man and attempted to obtain the 47-year-old’s personal banking info. Except the caller did not know correct PIN number for the Kirkwood man’s account.

Two days later, the Kirkwood man received a call from a guy claiming to be a real estate agent. “The man stated that he has someone sitting in front of him right now that wants to buy his home, then asked if he wanted to make a quick profit,” a cop noted. No way, replied the Kirkwood man. An hour later, the so-called real estate agent called again. The Kirkwood man asked the agent to stop calling but the agent called four more times within 30 minutes.

A cop noted, “[The Kirkwood man] stated that he has an ongoing feud with his homeowner’s association and felt that this harassment and incident involving his bank may have been orchestrated by his HOA.” Nothing further.

Stupid move of the week

In Westview, a 37-year-old female Atlanta police officer said someone broke into her car, which was parked in her driveway. Missing items include: an Atlanta Police Department raincoat, police flashlight, supervisor bag (with the APD logo and her name on it), gun cleaning kit, ear and eye protection, and her gun bag with approximately 500 rounds of ammunition.

“There were no signs of forced entry into the vehicle,” a cop wrote. The female officer said she suspects a specific male neighbor because of a previous dispute. “But she did not see him (or anyone) take anything from her car,” a cop noted.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.