Talk of the Town - Charlie’s finest (aawwk!) hour February 05 2004

The prime parrot speaks

Just being alive is rarely news, but the rediscovery and continued existence of Charlie, Winston Churchill’s parrot and close confidante during World War II, has made headlines. The reclusive, acerbic yet still brightly plumed member of the order Psittaciformes, now 104, recently granted a rare interview from a perch at the Bird & Beak, her favorite pet pub.

Q: A lot has been made of your being foul-mouthed, especially on the subject of Adolf Hitler. Are the stories about your advanced vocabulary an overstatement?

A: Hey, if Shirley Temple had bombed London, I’d curse her, too.

Q: But are you bad tempered in general?

A: Hey Einstein, I’m from the tropics. And I’ve spent the last 100-plus years in a country where cold and clammy is the permanent weather forecast. What kind of a mood would you be in? I’ll tell you this, my last will and testament insists on cremation. It’s the first time I’ll have been warm since the reign of Queen Victoria.

Q: You won’t retire to your native South America?

A: Move? At my age? I have perks here. And I’m the only remaining national institution in Britain that gets any respect since the Royal Family blew a gasket. The tourist money is still good, although I refuse to pose wearing the tiny Churchill homburg anymore.

Q: Parrots are often adept mimics. Do you do any impersonations?

A: Tell me please, and I’ll appease!

Q: Who was that?

A: Neville Chamberlain, of course. You kids today.

Q: What was it like, having such unique access to Churchill?

A: Hazardous. In addition to the Luftwaffe trying to kill him, it’s a wonder I’m not dead from all the secondhand smoke. The man would light up small oriental rugs if he ran out of cigars during an air raid.

Q: Britain’s wartime prime minister will always be remembered for his eloquence. Did you have influence on that aspect of his career?

A: When you repeat everything a guy says, it’s hard to remember who came up with something first. But the “we will fight them on the beaches” speech was definitely my idea.

Q: Really?

A: Winston changed it, though. As always, after a couple of brandies, out came the red pencil. Instead of the streets and landing grounds, I wanted to say we’d fight the Nazis in pet shops and zoos.

Q: How about British foreign policy?

A: I told him never to declare war on Brazil, I was very firm about that. “You don’t want trouble with the piranhas,” I told him. Plus, I still have relatives there, not to mention a timeshare on the Amazon.

Q: What are your most vivid recollections of Churchill during the war?

A: He forgot to feed me the first week of the North African campaign, I still remember that. El Alamein, gives me a pain. Aaawwk!

Q: What about other wartime leaders? Did you meet any of them?

A: Well, I bit Stalin.

Q: You what?

A: I’m having a nosh with Fala, FDR’s pooch, at Yalta. Stalin crept up from behind and yanked on my tail feathers. The conference went downhill after that. Every time the old boy pointed to a map of Europe, the other Allies laughed at the Band-Aid on his pinky. In some ways, it was the beginning of the Cold War. Uncle Joe, what a schmo. Aaawwk!

Q: Did you see any action during WW II?

A: I’m proud to say that I did. Winston had me exempted from the draft as essential to the war effort, but I escaped from my cage during a spring housecleaning at 10 Downing St. and joined a squadron of talking birds. We flew across the English Channel and attacked German coastal fortifications in France.

Q: Were you armed?

A: Let’s just say the Jerries had some dry-cleaning bills they’d rather forget. Why didn’t Tom Brokaw write about that? The greatest generation isn’t limited to one species, y’know.

Q: With your large head, thick neck and short stocky body, you bear a striking resemblance to Winston Churchill. Do you give any credence to the notion that pets often look like their owners?

A: How’d you like a beak in the nose?

Q: One final question. As a centenarian, you’ve seen a great deal of change. Do you have any observations about the tumultuous century you’ve witnessed?

A: Yes. We can go to Mars, but no one has improved the taste of birdseed.

glen.slattery@creativeloafing.com

Glen Slattery will fight them on the strip malls in Alpharetta.