Karma Cleanser - June 27 2001
Makeout guilt and mob aspirations
I don't actually do a lot of evil things — I'm fairly polite — but I think about doing a lot of evil things, such as beating people up and having hits put on people. Will this hatred give me cancer or at least generate ill-will toward me from the cosmos?
— Good on the Outside
Silly Soprano, hits are expensive, and rarely as consequence-free as shown on TV. Just thinking about having someone knocked off probably won't give you cosmic cancer (a universal ulcer is more likely). The next time you want to beat the living hell out of somebody, instead summon your best fake-nice smile. That's worse than a bullet wound any day.
I was in 10th grade and my mother was in the hospital. I knew my father was a heavy sleeper and I had been wanting to make out with this guy from school. I waited until midnight and let him in my bedroom window.
We spent the next two or three hours making out with my father asleep and snoring two rooms away. I still feel guilty that my mother thought my father was taking good care of me, but in reality I was being deflowered right under my dad's nose.
Bad karma or just bad judgment?
-- House call
Karma Cleanser would like to think that the universe casts a half-shut eye to our high school screw ups, no pun intended. Your mom's condition makes this case seedier than some, but hardly unheard of. Release your lingering guilt and move on to your next secret shag.
Get right with the universe before it gets back at you. Send confessions and questions about how to avoid karmic retribution to firstname.lastname@example.org. All entries are anonymous, of course.