Karma Cleanser - December 05 2001

To some this may be quaint, but I feel just horrible. I was watching this house that belonged to a guy I’d been dating, and I was still trying to earn his trust. But I also wanted to see how kinky he was. So when he left and gave me a key to his place to check on things, I went snooping for the porn. I finally found it and watched all the tapes to see what he was into. I carefully returned everything to normal and made like nothing happened. He was never the wiser, but I feel like I was much naughtier than the people getting spanked on the screen.

-- Video poker

The Karma Cleanser would postulate that prowling for porn is actually a popular pastime of house sitters everywhere, at least according to our anonymous sources. But you had a very personal stake in this particular treasure hunt, one that your new beau would most certainly object to. Next time you leave town, you should let this guy house-sit for you, but leave something embarrassing in plain sight.

Karma Cleanser:
A few months ago, I got into a bad situation with my mother’s new best friend. Mrs. Johnson, we’ll call her, is a very attractive, vivacious woman who is a few years my mother’s junior and therefore only about 12 years older than me (I’m 23). She first came onto me at a brunch Mom hosted back in the spring and since then, we’ve been secretly seeing each other a couple of times every month, sometimes more than that.

Mom doesn’t know about this arrangement because Mrs. Johnson is married. Plus, Mrs. Johnson is afraid of losing Mom’s friendship if she discovers the seduction of her (much younger) son. All that doesn’t really bother me, except I’m scared shitless about the upcoming holiday. My family is hosting a large Christmas party and, of course, the Johnsons are invited. I’m pretty much obligated to attend. How can I face the family — and the woman I’m falling in love with — with this secret?

-- Ho, ho, no

You should have known when you accepted Mrs. Robinson, er, Johnson’s advances that a situation like this would eventually arise. Skip the holiday party and tell your lady friend that something’s got to give. If she really wants to be with you, you’ll both have to come clean to Mom (and Mr. Johnson) eventually. If not, you’re better to cut it off now before your life becomes even more of an episode of “Dawson’s Creek.”

Send confessions and questions about how to avoid karmic retribution to karma@creativeloafing.com, or to Karma Cleanser, Creative Loafing, 750 Willoughby Way, Atlanta, Ga. 30312. All entries are anonymous, of course.