Karma Cleanser - March 05 2008

Don't throw the baby out with the good karma

Dear Karma Cleanser:

I was on a flight from Charlotte to Atlanta that was full of screaming, unhappy children. I do not have kids, nor do I ever want any. I know this is a horrible thing to say and it always makes people look at me like I'm an evil, mean person. It also seems to be God's will that I am forever trapped in confined spaces with as many infants and toddlers as possible.

Anyway, the flight was almost over when, all of a sudden, the plane hit a patch of rough air. Next thing I knew, the twins in the seat in front of mine were both getting woozy. The little boy across the aisle was crying at the top of his lungs. And then the puking started.

Some 30 stomach-churning minutes later, five people had thrown up around me. One of the kids had actually missed his air-sickness bag and just spewed all over the aisle. The flight attendants just covered the mess up with napkins as everyone exited the plane.

Once I got off the plane, I realized I'd somehow gotten some of the, um, spew, on my brand-new shoes. These shoes cost me $250 and it was my first day wearing them.

It's clear that I must have been a serial killer in a previous life, thus my curse in this one. I'm just wondering if there's anything I should be doing to help minimize my kid issues.

– Scarred in Coach

Have you noticed the airlines no longer use the word "turbulence"? It's always "rough air" now, which doesn't much lessen the blow of the actual experience. It just sounds better to say it. "Turbulence? Nah, it's just a little rough air. We'll be through it soon. Now go back to watching Big Momma's House 2." We suggest you take the opposite approach and stop trying to rationalize your aversion to ankle-biters. You're living in a series of shoulds ("Children should behave like adults; I should enjoy getting my pumps puked on."), which makes the bumpy ride of reality all the harder to bear. Embrace the annoyance. Give your inner miscreant a hug. Be thankful you weren't wearing flip-flops.

Dear Karma Cleanser:

My trashy sister has invited me to her wedding, even though we haven't talked in a year. I don't want a reconciliation with her, nor do I want to get trapped in the same old drama that caused me to move away from our people and start anew in a new city. Am I just being a bitch about it (as one friend pointed out), or should I just go and get it over with?

– The Knot or The Noose?

Go to the wedding, but go with your guard up. If you know there's going to be familial strife in the air, douse yourself (mentally) with Drama Repellant in the car before the ceremony. Get out of there quick before the birdseed hits the fan.

Been bad? karmacleanser@gmail.com

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