Scene & Herd - Lies, all lies

Because of the Labor Day holiday, the deadline to turn in this column was last Friday at noon. I was unable to attend and report about such Labor Day weekend events as Dragon*Con, Fatboy Slim at EarthLink Live or the Montreux Jazz Festival, which is bad because Creative Loafing’s readers are interested in those events.On the other hand, the short deadline meant that I avoided having to see Train and Matchbox Twenty at HiFi Buys Amphitheatre Friday, about which I probably would have written something like, “Train’s hit song may be called ‘Drops of Jupiter,’ but it sounds more like ‘Drops of Uranus’ to me.” I’m glad I didn’t go because that would have been a mean thing to write about a band.

Rather than leave this space blank or print an enormous photograph of me, I have written a Scene & Herd column based entirely on fictional events. I hope that next time they give me a Friday deadline I can instead write about Hollis Gillespie’s friends Lary, Daniel and Grant since everyone seems to enjoy them so much.

Lights, Camera, Inaction: In an attempt to capitalize on the “reality show” craze that has gripped the country, the Georgia Department of Transportation held open auditions last week for its Internet-only broadcast “Real-Time Traffic,” a compelling program depicting the real-life highway trips of real-life commuters in the Greater Atlanta Metropolitan area. Commuters on Interstates 75, 85 and 285 were asked to mug for the cameras by driving, changing lanes, signaling and braking. The auditions, which will continue indefinitely, are edited and then broadcast on GDOT’s website. The compelling thing to me about the show is how, even if it’s not you on the show, you can totally relate to the characters. During the auditions, I saw a Toyota change lanes on I-75 and it me made think about the time I was in my Toyota on I-75 and I changed lanes, too.

Party of One: The most exclusive party of the Labor Day weekend happened last Thursday at The Earl in East Atlanta. The party’s host Kelly Clark, an artist who creates decorative metal and wood work, kept the party’s time and location a secret from almost everyone until just moments before it began. The party was so exclusive that not even The Earl’s staff was notified about the event until the party’s guest of honor, Kelly Clark, walked into the bar to order a drink.Clark enjoyed cocktails while reading the newspaper, watching television and listening to music by ’70s glam rock legends T.Rex, which was blaring out of the bar’s sound system courtesy of bartender and DJ Andy. Reluctant to talk to the media at first, Clark eventually revealed that he frequently sponsors similar top-secret bashes. Sometimes he’ll invite one or maybe two people, but just as often he begins and ends his invitation list with the most important VIP of all, Kelly Clark.

Sharky’s Machine: Celebrating the end of a summer during which they appeared in the news more frequently and more prominently than at any time since the Jaws phenomenon of 1975, sharks gathered at dusk Sunday at The Shark Bar on Peachtree in Midtown. Despite their well-earned reputation for terrorizing humans, the Sharks were well-behaved, satiating their notorious appetites with RuSan’s catered sushi and chum.In addition to sharks, the party’s celebrity guests included golfing great Greg Norman, former UNLV basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian and Burt Reynolds, in town to promote the pending DVD release of his Atlanta-filmed action classic Sharky’s Machine. The only awkward moment of the evening came when Reynolds joked that he had a lot in common with the ocean predators because he was known as quite a lady-killer in his day, prompting an annoyed Great White to immediately swallow the actor whole. After a few tense moments, the party resumed.

Merger Mania: On Saturday night, Atlanta celebrated the opening of its first mega-club, twenty-four45. Encompassing the whole of downtown, Midtown, Buckhead and the sky above it, the mega-club, and its number name, are the result of the merger of Atlanta clubs eleven50, 1027, Club 211 and Trinity. When I spoke to the club’s manager and pointed out that 1150, 1027, 211 and 3 only add up to 2391, he pointed out that twenty-four45 not only combines Atlanta’s best nightclubs, but that it also aspires to be to Atlanta what Studio54 was to New York, so he went ahead and added 54 to the club’s name total.Appropriately, the party’s celebrity guest list included Atlanta’s first mega-celebrity, Sir Elton Jane. Sir Elton Jane is the brainchild of the editors of the Atlanta Jezebel-Constitution’s Peach Fuzz column. Merging Atlanta’s two biggest celebrities, Sir Elton John and Jane Fonda, into one person apparently saves the editors money because they only have to follow one celebrity around town instead of two. Sir Elton Jane also provided the evening’s emotional climax, taking to the club’s piano to perform “Candle in the Wind 2001,” a remake of the classic song with the lyrics re-written as a tribute to himself, immediately followed by a 30-minute aerobics routine.??