Scene & Herd - Outdoor shopping for educated canines

Neighborhood and street festivals in Atlanta are just outdoor shopping malls. They’re shopping malls for people who think they’re too cool to go to real shopping malls. They’re shopping malls where most of the useful stores have been replaced by Thomas Kinkade galleries, all of the children are eating corn dogs and funnel cakes, and there’s no parking.

I went to ArtScape in Woodruff Park downtown on Saturday and it was like Phipps Plaza had done gone all county fair on me. I don’t know about you, but the list of things that bugs me about shopping malls never included walls or ceilings. Ninety percent of ArtScape was tent after tent of vendors selling expensive art and crafts. The stuff being sold was nicer than what you find at most art festivals and was usually presented in elaborate cases or frames, not unlike what you’d find in, say, a shopping mall. Only you don’t have to wade through a lot of that pesky convenience stuff that shopping malls are always throwing at you.

And since when is a set of four wooden throwing darts considered art?

One of ArtScape’s highlights was the Art Car competition, which consisted of old cars that people painted and decorated. “Traffic Jammin” was a real car with hundreds of tiny toy cars glued to it as a “simple homage” to Atlanta’s traffic. The car’s molding was depicted as an empty HOV lane. Athens’ Chris Hubbard reconciled good and evil in the world with “The Heaven And Hell Car,” a 1990 Honda Civic. A lesser talent would have required an Accord.

My favorite thing at ArtScape was the kid-constructed city made of boxes, appropriately named Box City. Box City had a Pizza Hut, an airport, a spaceship, a Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses and a one-armed mayor. When I mentioned to a supervising adult that I was impressed that Box City was progressive enough to elect a one-armed mayor, she replied, “We don’t discriminate.”

Dogtoberfest: The people who run the Landtrust in Candler Park threw an Octoberfest party Saturday afternoon and early evening. The sign at the gate read, “Adults $2, Kids and animals free.” Apparently, not only are the dogs in Candler Park literate, they’re also suckers for free admission because the place was packed with unattended dogs, running, scratching, eating eggs (honestly) and altogether having a good time.

The refreshment stand served a ghastly sounding beer and Sprite combination drink that the menu claimed is very popular in Germany. Before we go blindly importing things from Germany, I’d like to note that Adolf Hitler and Milli Vanilli both got their big breaks there. Nevertheless, I’m willing to accept the Der SpriteBeer as Germany’s revenge on us for David Hasselhoff.

The twin highlights of Der Kandler Octoberfest for me were the friendly emu and that the organizers didn’t try to pull a Helen on us by spelling Octoberfest with a “K.”

B is for Basement, J is for Jaxx: If my random sampling of people at the Basement Jaxx show at Earthlink Live Friday night is representative, every man in Atlanta under the age of 30 is a DJ. Four people came up to me to introduce themselves and all four of them were DJs. I’m not sure what, if any social significance that fact has, but guys in rock bands who play instruments now look hilariously out of fashion.

Basement Jaxx was superb. They’re the British electronic dance act responsible for the hundreds of posters of gorillas stapled to utility poles all over town. They stood behind a table with turntables and computers backed by three large pixilated video screens. Imagine taking psychedelics in the juniors’ department of the coolest department store ever and you’ll have a good idea of what it was like. I felt like I was missing out on some of the fun because I’m pretty sure that me and the security guards were the only people within 20 feet of the stage not on drugs. As I was leaving, someone looked at me and said, “Man, I wish I still did psychedelic drugs.”

If I Had A Hammer: Somebody sent me an e-mail inviting me to Ria’s Bluebird Cafe’s first anniversary party Sunday night with the promise of free food, free music and a big crowd. I’ve eaten breakfast there once and it was good, so I decided to check it out. Unfortunately, just as we walked up, a metal band called Drill Team started playing. I say unfortunately because they were so loud and so abrasive that they ruined the evening for me. Imagine me kicking you in the head repeatedly as you read this and you’ll understand how I felt. A small child standing near us had his hands pressed to his ears so firmly that it looked as though he was trying to rip his own head off. My date and I admired the absolutely gorgeous metal flame sculptures for about 10 minutes, all the while praying that God would either silence Drill Team or render us deaf. Smart guy that I am, I finally came up with a third option, leaving.

I’d like to note once again that I think that the cafe’s food is delicious and that no heavy metal acts play at breakfast.??