Scene & Herd - Shopping for records

Be honest. Does the paper’s redesign make me look fat?

Last weekend’s must-do event, particularly for members of metro Atlanta’s termite and beaver communities, was the Log Home and Timber Frame Expo at the Georgia International Convention Center in College Park. The show touts itself as “North America’s No. 1 Log Home Show.”

After spending several hours there Saturday afternoon, I have no reason to disagree. Nevertheless, the legalistic wording of the boast makes me wonder: 1) Are there other log home shows touring North America? 2) Why don’t they just say that it’s the world’s No. 1 log home show? North America is the only continent on Earth with the precise combination of space, disposable income and gullibility necessary to support a traveling log home convention industry.

As much as I enjoyed sitting in on the “Design Your Log Home” seminar, the real stars of the Expo were the log booths of the numerous log home builders. They all have cozy, pleasant names like Wilderness Log Homes, Country Log Homes, North American Log Crafters, etc. Two of the industry’s most popular builders trade off using the name of the country’s most famous log-home dweller. No, silly, not Ted Kaczynski. I’m talking about Abe Lincoln, the namesake of log home builders Honest Abe and Lincoln Logs.

Each builder used their booths to tout the unique charms of their homes. Some build very traditional, cabinlike homes, while others build modern log mansions with sleek interiors. The builders also differentiate themselves by using different assembly techniques and different types of wood. For example, if you have a lot of wool sweaters, you can buy a log home made entirely of cedar.

The show also featured numerous representatives of the log home accessories industry - roofers, sealers, exterminators and log cleaners. One of the biggest companies in the log home care industry is called Perma-Chink. Chinking is the unfortunate sounding, but entirely race-unrelated word for sealing the gaps between logs. Even the most niggardly of log home owners needs to chink.

The oddest thing about the show, other than, oh, all of it, was the furniture. The pictures of the homes in the builder brochures and free magazines like Log Homes Illustrated (dude, you’ve got to see their swimsuit issue) featured uncluttered, tastefully appointed homes. Most of the furniture and decor at the show, however, was ugly and kitchsy. Despite what the magazine photos show, it seems that people like to decorate their log homes with log furniture. There were chairs made of logs, wardrobes made of logs, even a bathroom sink made of logs. It seems that log home owners also love to display dead animal parts. Mounted fish trophies, stuffed turkeys and antler chandeliers are very popular items. If I ever buy a log home, I’m decorating it with Moose Hollow Trading Co.’s $600 stuffed beaver. The beaver is depicted gnawing on a hunk of wood. There is perhaps no finer gift for an adult male with the sense of humor of a 14-year-old.

That reminds me: On Friday at 6:30, I dropped in on the city’s happiest happy hour, Wine, Women & Thong at the Cheetah (the vastly superior successor to the club’s ill-conceived Wine, Women & Full Coverage Cotton Panty event from a few years back). For $20, attendees sample wines, eat tasty hors d’oeuvres and look at naked women in the relative cozy comfort of the club’s Executive Room.While sampling selections from the Beringer family of wines (I’m not usually a white wino, but I quite liked the 2002 Napa Valley Chardonnay), I enjoyed the company of several Cheetah girls. Madison was the best dancer of the bunch. She said that she’s “been dancing since age 3,” immediately clarifying her statement with a giggled, “not in clubs!”

I also had a fun conversation with a tall Hungarian woman named Mandy. Mandy says that she likes to stay up late and e-mail her friends back home. She says she attaches pictures when e-mailing former boyfriends so they can get a look at her transformed physique. “These are new,” she said, pointing at her breasts. She also just had Lasik surgery, an enhancement which I’m guessing is significantly less interesting to all but a few Cheetah patrons and ex-boyfriends. For the record, she says she’s not seeing any halos.

Rocks Off: On Sunday morning, I drove up to the Windy Hill area for my kind of geek fiesta, the Atlanta Record and CD Show. Even though nearly all of the music you could want is available online, the Internet cannot replace the joy of digging through boxes of LPs and finding hilariously bizarre albums from decades ago. Some of the best ones I saw include a patriotic bowling-themed record called Spares and Strikes Forever; an album with half of a toilet on the cover titled Music For Half-Assed Friends, and More Christmas Fun with the Hamsters, a cheap knockoff of the Chipmunks. By far, the best one I saw is pictured, for your viewing pleasure.

You saw who?: On Saturday night, I went to the Earl to see A Fir-Ju Well. I got there early and caught part of Astra’s set. The music mixes Meddle-era Pink Floyd spaciness with fast, dissonant passages. Let’s be sassy and call it Punk Floyd.A Fir-Ju Well, half-jokingly-but-accurately described to me that night by WRAS’s Marc Crifasi as “The Atlanta Band of the Moment,” were rapturous by normally sedate Earl-audience standards. It’s hard not be impressed when the band has such a cool party trick. They trade instruments with one another between songs so that everyone in the band plays nearly everything at least once during the show. It’s a gimmick that doesn’t get old because A) they play very well they write excellent pop songs.

andisheh@creativeloafing.comFor more Andisheh, visit atlanta.creativeloafing.com.??