Don't Panic! November 28 2001

Terror tips for the terrified

Are we gonna bomb Iraq as part of our war on terrorism? If so, why?

First of all, we've really never stopped bombing Iraq since the Gulf War, and we continue to maintain a substantial military presence in the region. In fact, we attacked Iraqi air defense command posts just days before Sept. 11. (When I say "we," of course, I don't mean me personally. I stopped bombing Iraq in 1999.)

To a large group in this country, including several key members of the Bush administration, allowing Saddam Hussein to remain in power after the Gulf War was a huge mistake. Since then, they've been looking for a justification to try to topple him. Sept. 11 appears to be that justification, and here's why:

Sept. 11 hijacker Mohammed Atta is alleged to have met with an Iraqi spy in Prague in June 2000, and with an Iraqi diplomat in Prague in April of this year. When a guy who's planning to crash a plane into us meets with officials from a regime that frequently vows to vanquish us, it's safe to assume that Yahtzee was not their primary agenda.

Saddam has amassed chemical, biological and possibly even nuclear weapons. Remember that he's (pardon the expression) a fucking nutcase who has gassed innocent people. National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice put it a little more politely when she said, "We didn't need Sept. 11 to tell us that he is a threat to our interests."

Our rapid military success against the Taliban in Afghanistan has strengthened the influence of the administration's hawks — the same hawks that have wanted to destroy Saddam for 10 years. Sadly, our success against the Taliban has done little for the Atlanta Hawks, who currently languish in sixth place in their division.

The Bush administration considers Saddam's Iraq to be a military threat to America's oil supply. Since the Bush team considers oil consumption to be our God-given right as Americans, not bombing Iraq would be ignoring God's wishes. And who are we to ignore His wishes? Besides, helping establish a friendlier regime in Iraq would reduce the need for a U.S. military presence in Saudi Arabia. And if we can get our troops out of Saudi Arabia, that's one less recruiting tool for Osama bin Laden and his ilk.

Christiane Amanpour, call your travel agent.

E-mail your war questions to andisheh@creativeloafing.com.??

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