Don’t panic May 22 2002

To paraphrase the world’s most famous Cuban-American, Ricky Ricardo, let me ‘splain something to you. Since Fidel Castro came to power in 1959, Cuba has done some pretty rotten things to the United States. Embargo? Heck, that’s not enough. We should give Cuba the silent treatment. Or better yet, every time Cuba talks, we should stick our fingers in our ears and loudly chant, “I can’t hear you. I can’t hear you. I can’t hear you.” That’ll show ‘em.

Here’s a partial list of the mean, stupid, jerky things Castro and his regime have done to us:

Led a revolution that overthrew Gen. Fulgencio Batista, fatally undermining American mafia and corrupt agricultural interests that, until then, had free reign over the island. Prostitution- and gambling- loving American tourists were thus forced to go to Las Vegas — which, annoyingly enough, has no beaches.

In April 1961, the U.S. backed an invasion of Cuba’s Bay of Pigs by 1,200 Cuban exiles determined to overthrow Castro’s government. Exploding the myth that Latin Americans are gracious hosts, the Cuban government actually fought the invasion, rudely killing 80 invaders and imprisoning the rest.

Castro has remained in power despite CIA overthrow and assassination attempts that involved (no joke) exploding seashells, poisoned wetsuits (Castro is an avid diver), exploding/poisoned cigars, poisoned pens and fabricated photos of Castro partaking in an orgy. All of the above were attempted by the Kennedy administration, which also initiated the assassination of South Vietnamese President Diem in November 1963, the same month Kennedy himself was assassinated.

Cuba continually tries to jam U.S. government TV and radio signals beamed into its country. What kind of government would try to interfere with the propaganda broadcasts of a hostile foreign government? I’ll tell you what kind: rotten commie pinkos!

For a century, Cuba has hosted a large foreign military base on its eastern coast. The government that occupies said base has used it to wield its military might in Cuba and throughout the Caribbean. Oops, that foreign military power is the United States. Never mind.

You get the idea. America has two major beefs with Cuba. First, Castro has survived all of our efforts to get rid of him. (What’s the point of being a superpower if you can’t boss little countries around?) Second, and perhaps more important, winning votes from Florida’s vehemently anti-Castro Cuban community is crucial for presidential candidates who want to take that state. No one wants to risk alienating them. Or should I say Elianating? One could argue that the Clinton administration’s decision to send Elian Gonzalez back to Cuba probably drove enough Cubans to the polls in 2000 to swing Florida — and the presidency — to Bush.

But when Bush releases a statement (like he did last week) saying that the U.S. should maintain its trade embargo against Cuba because Cuba doesn’t respect human rights, it’s laughably hypocritical. Castro and his pals are first-class, grade-A rat bastards who deserve to rot in hell — that’s not in dispute. But since Castro came to power, the U.S. has actively supported some of the worst human rights violators of the past century — including rulers in Indonesia and Guatemala, who committed genocide against their own people.

So if you believe our embargo against Cuba is motivated by our concern for human rights, I’ve got a bridge that I’d like to sell to you. Act fast, and I’ll throw in a box of cigars at no extra charge.??