Is the media really being too gloomy about Iraq?
Your war questions answered
On behalf of me, I’d like to take a moment to apologize. Apparently, it’s my fault that you think that the war in Iraq is going badly. And this newspaper’s fault. And The New York Times’ fault. And CNN’s fault. It might even be CBS News’ fault, too. I’ll have to double-check my sources before I can confirm that, though.
So, I apologize. Moment over.
I bet you’re wondering why I’ve had such a sudden and drastic change of heart (if you’re not actually wondering, just humor me). The reason is Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi. He set me straight. While visiting the U.S. last week, he explained to pretty much any reporter who’d listen that we in the press are a bunch of gloomy Guses whose nonstop negative Nellying is giving the impression that Iraq is much worse off than it actually is.
Speaking alongside President Bush, Allawi explained, “So really, if you care to look at Iraq properly, and go from Basra to Nasiriyah to Kut to Diyala to Najaf to Karbala to Diwaniya to Samarra to Kirkuk to Sulaymaniyah to Dahuk to Arbil, there are no problems. It’s safe, it’s good.”
There you have it. “There are no problems. It’s safe, it’s good.” If only someone had told me that a long time ago, I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my time and yours on these damned columns.
So, remember, if you open up the paper and someone has written that Iraqi citizens are dying at a rate equal to a 9/11-sized attack every couple of weeks, just repeat to yourself: “There are no problems. It’s safe, it’s good.”
And if some jerk tries to rain on your parade by pointing out that, in August, there were an average 87 attacks on U.S. soldiers per day, the highest average since Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” aircraft carrier-landing stunt, and that the attacks are happening in a wider area than ever before, just remember, “There are no problems. It’s safe, it’s good.”
And if you go out to your mailbox, and it turns out the mailman has accidentally placed President Bush’s copy of July’s classified National Intelligence Estimate in there — you know, the one that suggests Iraq could be on its way to a full-blown civil war before the end of next year — I want you to put the report back in its envelope, take a deep breath, and tell yourself that “there are no problems. It’s safe, it’s good.”
And if you’re walking your dog and all of sudden your dog stands up, turns to you, and says that several of Iraq’s cities, including large chunks of Baghdad, are controlled by rebels who, depending on the neighborhood, want to either turn Iraq into an Islamo-fascist state or just force it into complete anarchy, tell your dog to sit, remind her that 15 of Iraq’s 18 provinces are safe enough today for elections and let her know that, ultimately, “there are no problems. It’s safe, it’s good.” Then, call me. I’ve always wanted to meet a talking dog.
Where was Ayad Allawi right after 9/11? Man, we sure could have used his clear-eyed realism then. All that news coverage made the day’s events seem like some sort of major catastrophe, when really it was nothing more than a limited-scale attack on just two cities. The overwhelming majority of American cities were perfectly safe on 9/11. The overwhelming majority of flights on the morning of 9/11 were not hijacked. And of the millions of buildings in this country, only three had airplanes crashed into them that day.
So, really, if you looked at the U.S. “properly” that day, and went from Baltimore to Nashville to Madison to Detroit to Los Angeles to Phoenix, there were no problems on 9/11. It was safe. It was good.