News - Donald Rumsfeld: the lost e-mails

Excerpts from soon-to-be leaked government transcripts

" ... I don't think anyone in their right mind can argue the fact that Gen. Wesley Clark is a dashing, upstanding man who'd make quite the president. He's got gumption, he's got smarts, he's got a certain technological expertise as far as war matters go. And he leans left — which, as you know, is how I lean privately.

"This, of course, presumes that John Kerry will not win the nomination. In terms of discussing this, I can only say that it would unhinge my private world in so many ways that I cannot describe. My impression is that Kerry is the ghost of JFK. He's got great hair — hair that is great, no argument. And he's got that certain sex appeal."

" ... But seriously, how do you think I would look in a goatee? Simple logic tells me that it might serve me well. It would help me carry an intimidating demeanor at work; that's A. And B, after I got off, I could trade my suit for a loose sweater and jeans before heading to the cafe for poetry readings. I'd fit right in."

" ... And when we were sitting in the Oval Office before the president came in, Ashcroft said to me, 'Don? Will you tell me what you think, honestly, of my job so far?' And I said, 'John, they've asked you to run a mile and you're sprinting a marathon. You're just going too far. This PATRIOT Act is scaring the holy you-know-what out of the liberals, myself included — and not because we're doing something wrong. It's all based on the perception of doing something wrong. Perception, not fact. You think it, and it suddenly becomes fact, this perception. And that, John, is frightening.'

"He said, 'I know, I know. But it's addictive.'

I said, 'So is Jim Beam on a duck-hunting trip.'"

"... And the reporter had the spunk to ask me if I owned stock in Halliburton. Well, what was I supposed to say? Yes, I do? Cheney tipped me off, and now I'm richer than Jesus? And a healthy portion of that money is being what I like to call 'funneled' to groups supporting abortion rights and others who might have an effect on our nation's highest court? While a smaller portion is being handed to the Christian fundamentalist pot, just so they don't get suspicious?

"Of course, I didn't say that to the reporter. I said, 'Next question,' which is what that little halfwit deserved."

" ... So in my dream, I was running, falling through trap doors — running, climbing, descending ladders, and so on and so forth. These are the knowns. But the unknowns presented themselves in what I like to call 'unusual ways.' One such unknown is when Ronald Reagan showed up in my dream, and he said, 'Don, you can't run from it forever.' So I ran more. And I was on a beach filled with what were presented to me as oily and voluptuous playmates. And there, in the middle of them, was my good friend Hugh Hefner in his white robe, and he said, 'You can't keep it up forever.' This, too, is an unknown as far as interpretations go. And so I ran more, and the next thing I knew I was sitting in a cave with Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, and we were looking at each other. This caused me great, shall I say, turmoil and what I like to call 'general confusion,' as these two so-called gentlemen have whereabouts that are unknown. But it also became clear to me that we had just finished a discussion on how we're all just humans racing against the salty onset of death, ultimately. And so, yes, I question what a dream like that really means."

" ... It's just that sometimes I feel my decorator doesn't get me. My goodness gracious, is it so outrageous to merge lighter earth tones into the traditional (and boring) dark wood?

"I know I put on airs. I know I have airs about me. But this does not mean that I am, by any sense of the word, masculine. When I say I want my office to be 'warm and sweet,' I do not mean something else entirely."

" ... Here's an example of the state of popular music. I was standing nude in my bedroom with my hairbrush in one hand like a microphone, and Britney's new album was playing on my stereo. But at this point, let's be clear: I noticed that the music's beat was failing to make its way from my open ear to my nude hips, which is a prerequisite for all good music, I feel. And it dawned on me: This album is clearly a shadow of Britney's previous work. Not a shadow that is looming, but a shadow that is fading. Not loom, but fade.

"That said, I think if you take a big-picture look at the music industry, with its Clear Channels and under-the-table payola, I think you can certainly make the argument that, yes, popular music is simply not what it used to be. I feel it in my hips. The hips tell me. That's how I know."

Jamie Allen lives at LandofCalpernia .com. Donald Rumsfeld e-mails him at jamie.allen@creative loafing.com.

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