News - U.S. Sen. Zell Miller

We at Creative Loafing norrally reserve this space to chastise public officials and other snot-nosed weasels deserving of scorn. But we”re taking a break this week to urge concerned citizens to help a troubled Georgia lawraker.When recurring Scalawag character Sen. Zell Miller first began showing signs of abnormal behavior, we dismissed his Democrat-bashing book, sponsorship of disastrous tax cuts and endorsement of President Bush as the political posturing of a tired, old man. Nothing about his media whoring seemed out of the ordinary.

That changed last week. Deprived of a forum to bash the Super Bowl halftime show Miller videotaped a harangue about the incident and posted it on his website. Most offensive to the former Marine was Kid Rock’s use of the American flag as a poncho. That flag, Miller reminded us, is the same flag draped over the coffin of “dead, young, uniformed warriors” protecting Rock’s “bony butt.”

How, we wondered, did Miller know about the boniness of Mr. Rock’s buttocks? Had he been intimate with the notorious party boy of rock?

Then, Miller joined the ranks of dethroned Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore and backed a bill to prevent the courts from barring the display of the Ten Commandments. According to Miller, America’s founding fathers never intended to separate church and state.

Again, how did he know? Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin have been dead for many years. Does the senator believe he communes with the souls of the deceased?

Being plenty familiar with emotional disturbances when we see them, CL contacted its team of psychologists (on standby for “situations” at the office) and sent them our file chronicling Miller’s recent behavior.

After much debate and consultation, the group concluded that Miller has, clinically speaking, “completely fucking lost it.”

So we take this opportunity to implore Miller’s loved ones to get him to a hospital for evaluation. Quite clearly, he’s crazy as a bed bug and won’t go willingly. You may have to use physical force. Don’t worry. He’ll thank you later. So will America.

To see firsthand the signs of Miller’s dementia, visit miller.senate.gov/ av.htm.