Redeye - Swing sets and monkey bars September 23 2004

On Sat., Sept. 18, Midtown's Lava Lounge hosted local social society Luxuria(www.luxuriaatlanta.com), which traditionally holds monthly invitation-only parties that offer "alluring," "sensual" and "free" environments for couples and single women to mingle. From the gallery on the group's website, a certain number of 30ish blondes have ground their way through many of the city's more plush lounges. Now, looking for a blood infusion perhaps, Luxuria held a rare open invitation public event.

Unfortunately, Luxuria's party began quite early, and I wasn't able to attend till quite late, but I was curious if the adventurous vibe, or any perked up people, lingered. So is there a difference when a club is openly promoting a vaguely "swingers" event and when it's not? Certainly: There are different banners up.

Other than that, it seemed business as usual. I arrived after midnight with two lovely ladies, and, within no more than five minutes, one was being aggressively hit on. Pretty soon the perp was trying for both. It's understandable. After all, "Christie" and "Sara" were displaying plenty of tit-for-tat, but they made it clear that they only needed a man to hold their purses.

Overall, there was a little more promiscuous air about. Guys loomed more openly over women, gauging their interest and attachment instead of leering from afar. A semicircle was formed near the DJ booth around two women actively making out while grinding to Lil Jon's "Get Low." But that happens around my house so much I didn't pay much heed.

Other than the lone Sapphic spit-swap, however, the basement dancefloor seemed to be filled with the usual neighborhood characters. The couples- and single women-only rule long past expired, the girl-guy ratio was high on the sausage side. Guys were far more tragically metrosexual than sexual. Chicks wearing veils and devil horns did the bachelorette crawl, hobbling in and out to/from taxis. I looked ultra-cute holding purses and the wall. I'll try to catch the next Luxuria event in prime time so I can report back, but in the meantime I'll wish Lava a happy fifth anniversary this month.

After finally shrugging off unwanted attention, the ladies called for a cleanse, so it was shots and then off to MJQ, where I came to a realization: I really do look awfully cute holding two purses, a jacket and the wall. No, seriously, standing in the cafe, I had an epiphany. Say what you will about Tom Cruise's more contemporary work, but Risky Business-era Cruise is an icon. He must be, because watching those MJQ hipsters dance, it's like white bread Tom Cruise miming Bob Seger solo in his tighty-whiteys. I don't think there's hair on any of their balls. Christ, even when Lil Jon's "Get Low" came on — deja gruv — the crowd made the blood flow out of my cock.

I'm warning you, kids, you're gonna let the race die if you don't quit this neutered noodling thing and learn to smell less like Parliament Lights and PBR and more like sex. Start dancing with each other, not at each other; you look like a beach party from a '50s movie, and it's so obvious that when they play Danzig what you're really thinking is, "Man, I wanna donkey punch." Do a shot, drop the purses, panties and melodrama, and I'll see you next week in a strut, not a rut.

Keep one RedEye open. And send all comments, questions, observations and invitations to redeye@creativeloafing.com.