Redeye - Redeye A Break From the Norm March 30 2005
March means spring break, motherfuckers! Even for those of us who are no longer students - unless you count yourself, like I do, as a student of life (‘cause I get my ass schooled by that bitch Fate quite often) - the recent weather made it feel like spring break. So, on Sat., March 26, with cheap beer and cheaper sex on my mind, I decided to have my own spring break celebration.The day started late, of course, because who gets up early on spring break. I dragged myself out of bed and headed toward Piedmont Park, but first I detoured to F.R.O.G.S. Cantina (in Midtown Promenade) as I was in the mood for a patio and a pitcher, and F.R.O.G.S. could get me hoppin’.
Drinking Dos XX and spooning up soupy salsa with chips, I thought back on some of my “favorite” spring break memories, like a night down in the Florida panhandle when I dropped acid, listened to a lot of Jane’s Addiction, then went down to the beach, where I decided the sandworms from the movie Dune were everywhere and planning to eat me. As soon as I got back to the house that my then-girlfriend and I had rented, I became convinced snakes lived in her dark, curly hair, and like Medusa she was going to suck my soul.
Since I haven’t done acid for a long time, however, I have to get myself high in more natural ways. So it was up Virginia Avenue to John Howell Park, which has an awesome little playground full of stuff that moves faster than a frustrated soror-stitute’s vibrator. While I was there, four women in sporty boy shorts and bikinis were playing volleyball, kindly lending themselves to my faux beach-escape experience. It wasn’t quite “Girls Gone Wild!,” but then again, there were kids around.
Still, sex and spring break are synonymous, so I made a date with myself for later. To spark me off, I picked myself up (off the couch) at 11:45 p.m. and braved the spring rain to get to Landmark Midtown Art Cinema for the Dadaist, overwhelmingly craptastic yet entertaining midnight movie, The Lollipop Girls in Hard Candy, a 3-D porn from 1976! (Another 3-D porn, this one with a disco theme, is being planned for the ongoing midnight movie series.)
The sold-out show was full of hipsters who probably know more about Paris Hilton’s porn than any real hardcore, but they were refreshingly lively and appropriately interactive. Inspired, I thought about putting a penis-sized hole in the bottom of my bag of buttery popcorn for some slippery fun, but I was on a schedule.
Next stop on the road to self-seduction was arriving at Underground by 1 a.m. to see burlesque/Playboy icon Dita Von Teese, brought by Secretroom.net to the Future. With a gorgeous face, impossibly cinched waist and an ass to file in the wack stack, Von Teese pulled in quite the crowd of bulging corsets and pleather/PVC-clad cross-dressers. Von Teese posed like a pin-up airbrushed across a B-52 and performed a tantalizing five-minute routine. But it didn’t do much for the club’s later fortunes. Following the performance, there was a mass exodus that included myself. It seemed like the only pounding I was gonna get there was throbbing industrial/EBM music. But this was my spring break, so I needed to top it off with some action.
Home again, I stood out in the rain for a little while so I could win my own wet T-shirt contest. Then I went inside and duct-taped my thighs together and Von Teesed myself till I passed out...Spring break, how I’ve missed you.
Keep one RedEye open. And send all comments, questions, observations and invitations to redeye@creativeloafing.com.
Inspired, I thought about putting a penis-sized hole in the bottom of my bag of buttery popcorn ...