Metropolis: A word from God

Transcript of “Larry King Live” segment, Nov. 13:

LARRY KING: We have a very special guest this evening. I’ve been trying to get him on the show for a long time, but he has a very hectic schedule. Events in the backwater state of Georgia have prompted our guest to insist on coming on tonight’s show. We’re also joined by presidential adviser Lou Cypher in Washington, D.C. Lou, you there?

LOU CYPHER: Yes, Larry. Thank you. I’d like the viewers to know that I’m a man of wealth and taste. And, that my ... um ... advice has laid many a soul to waste. Pleased to meet you.

KING: What is your role in the Bush White House?

CYPHER: Well, Dick Cheney is one of my ... uh, I guess you’d say “disciples.”

KING: That’s impressive. Do you know what his plans are after the next election?

CYPHER: Oh, I’ll try to work him into the Ninth Circle.

KING: Ninth Circle?

CYPHER: It’s a little club I run.

KING: Now for our very special guest. Here he is, someone who needs little introduction, God. God, or do I call you Lord? Jehovah? Big Guy?

GOD: Al is fine.

KING: Al?

GOD: Short for Almighty.

KING: Uh-huh. And if you look at that monitor over there, you can see our other guest, Lou Cypher.

GOD: We’ve met before, many ages ago. Hi, Lou. Shrewd work you’re doing, casting confusion about global warming.

CYPHER: Hi, Al. Devilishly high praise, considering the source. But I’m even prouder of Iraq. Can’t wait for Iran.

KING: Well, let’s talk about Georgia, a state ...

CYPHER: I went down to Georgia once.

GOD: Do I have to listen to this story again? He was in some silly fiddlin’ contest. Big deal. He didn’t even win.

KING: Fellows, fellows. Al, I understand the governor there – I can’t recall his name. Buddy? Bubba? Roy Bob?

GOD: Sonny.

KING: You know him, then?

GOD: Yes, I have a mild affliction called omniscience.

KING: OK, this Sonny, then, I hear he’s offered you a job.

GOD: That’s what the news reports say. He announced it to a crowd at the state Capitol today. I’m a little annoyed that he didn’t ask me first. I’ve pushed the “smite” button on people for doing less.

KING: What is it he wants you to do for Georgia?

GOD: I guess you could call the job “State Supreme Water Czar.” I have been in the plumbing business before, way back on the second day of Creation. Or was it the first?

KING: So what does this Sonny person want you to do as water czar?

GOD: I think he wants me to make it rain.

KING: Could you do that?

GOD: Boy, could I. Way back when, I made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Kinda got carried away. But you’ve asked the wrong question. It’s not so much could I make it but would I make it rain?

KING: OK, would you?

GOD: Yes and no.

KING: Yes and no?

GOD: Yes, yes and no. I’d better explain. You see, Larry, everything happens because I will it. I am the totality of all that was and is and will be, world without end, yadda yadda, amen.

CYPHER: And they say I have a big ego.

KING: So would you make it rain because Sonny asks?

GOD: I might. But, then, I might make it not rain because Sonny asks. That’s how I work. You see, I’ve been sending signs to Georgia for years. Those people there claim they read my book, and it says pretty plainly toward the end, “Do not harm the earth or the sea or the trees.” So, what do they do? They try to cut down every tree they see. They’ve darn near ruined the land. And I didn’t put a lot of water in that area. They know that. Chicago got a lot of water, but I gave them lousy winters. Georgia got a nice climate, but I sort of ran out of water in the north part. Do you think that Sonny character pays attention? Hell ...

CYPHER: Excuse me?

GOD: ... no. Let’s keep growing, he says. He’s turning paradise into hell.

CYPHER: Music to my ears.

KING: Is there anything Sonny could do to make it rain?

GOD: It’s not politically correct to do human sacrifice any longer. If it were, I’d tell Sonny to line up the developers and sharpen the knives. Otherwise, he should quit all of this pious acting. If he shred his well-tailored suits, put ashes on his head, and if he and that band of cutthroats they call the Legislature spent, oh, about 20 years flagellating themselves, I might be impressed. Anything less, forget it. And another thing I noticed: Sonny was propped up at his little show by an outfit called the Christian Coalition. This is a good time to announce that my kid is filing a federal lawsuit against the group for trademark infringement. Christian? Hah. All they talk about is homosexuals. They’re obsessed. You know what my son said about gays? Nada, zilch. Why don’t people pay attention?

CYPHER: I’m very of fond of them.

KING: Al, your name is being invoked in Georgia in an investigation of two people who claim they work for you, Eddie Long and Creflo Dollar.

CYPHER: My main men.

GOD: Read what my boy said 2,000 years ago. If all you care about is getting rich, you’re not moving into my neighborhood. Lou’s place has plenty of room, but the air conditioning is always on the fritz. I just read a poll that said 12 percent of Americans went hungry in 2006. And I gave that nation so much! My son said to take care of the poor, the children, the outcasts. You think they’re doing that in Georgia? You think Sonny and Eddie and Creflo give a hoot for the poor children, the hungry families? I feel like whipping up some plagues and sending them.

KING: You heard it here first, folks. Georgia better repent – or bad things are going to happen.

CYPHER: I’m so excited.