Lust List 2015: Kelsie: Cashier, Cameli’s on Ponce

? ?Eric Cash?

Age: 21

Relationship Status: Taken

There’s something disarming about a pretty woman with an odd pet fetish. Take Kelsie, a Tallahassee native who cashiers at Cameli’s on Ponce de Leon Avenue while pursuing a double-major in criminal justice and philosophy at GSU. Though her current boyfriend is a man, not a mouse, she admittedly harbors a huge crush for two rats with peculiar names. Consider it confirmation that even the grubbiest among us could one day burrow a love-shaped hole into some maiden’s heart.

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HER PET RATS

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The other day I gave an apple to my pet rat and she broke a piece of the apple off and gave it to her sister. It was really cute. It made me cry. My pet rats are sisters and they’re from the same litter. They’re like legitimate rats from the pet store. I am obsessed with them. I love them so much. Me and my friend were walking around in New York, Tribeca I think during vacation last year, and we saw this dead rat on the sidewalk. It looked really sad. So we put flowers around it and made it cute. Ever since then, I’ve felt this attachment to rats, I guess. Something about this rat was very alluring laughs. We put flowers around it and stuff to make it look like a funeral so people wouldn’t step on it or anything.

I have always been really selfish and kind of narcissistic. So then I was sitting there and doing the rat funeral and people were looking at us really strangely, and I was like, nooo. It just felt good to totally be devoting my time to something and not thinking about myself. I started researching rats and I found out they can do tricks and learn their names. They’ll fetch. So I said, yeah, I want these.

My first roommate wouldn’t let me have rats in the house. Now my roommates let me have rats. Their names are Vladimir and Vera. Both girls. I’ve had them like three months. I clean their cage probably once a week. But they bathe themselves like six times a day. They’re like cats so they kind of just do their own thing. And when I get home they’ll crawl out of their cage and I might sit them on my shoulder while I do homework. They’re sweet.

Everybody thinks I’m weird. One of my friends the other day said, “I’ve never even heard you talk about a boy the way you talk about your rats.” Yeah. We’re a package deal.

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What’s your preferred cocktail?

Whiskey ginger.

If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

I wish I could spot assholes without having to talk to them.

What would be your last meal?

Probably a giant steak, like, just multiple meats.

Do you have a favorite quote or a mantra?

At the end of To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus Finch goes on this big spiel about being a lawyer and he says, “You rarely win, but sometimes you do.” I really like that.

What’s your pettiest relationship deal breaker?

I don’t like people with really soft hands. It freaks me out. It just feels like you haven’t done any work in life.

What’s your craziest travel experience?

I went to New York last year and I was drunk pretty much the whole time. I’d made it a mission of mine that I would pee at every spot that I thought was really cool. So every spot I really liked, I had to mark my territory. The MoMA was one.

What’s your least favorite household chore?

Bathrooms. I think they’re gross.

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Name the last book you couldn’t finish.

The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoyevsky. I legitimately wanted to read it, and I’ve read his other books, but for some reason I would just start it and then just, ehh.

If you were convicted of a crime, what would it be?

Stalking. I have stalked someone before. I just wanted to see if he was home.

Who would play you in a movie?

Katt Williams. Wouldn’t you like Katt Williams to play you in a movie?

What’s the best album to make out to?

Probably anything Leonard Cohen. I love Leonard Cohen.

What’s your life’s ambition/grandest dream?

I would definitely like to do a lot of work to make a major shift within the prison industrial complex.

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What’s your weirdest recurring dream?

I keep dreaming that I give birth to a shark.

I’m actually kind of oddly excited to be having a shark child in the dream. It doesn’t hurt; it’s just slippery. What’s really weird is when I have it none of the doctors say anything. Like, this is a shark laughs! Most of my dreams are recurring dreams. When I was 5, I had the same dream until I was 10. All the people I loved had this zipper on the back of their head and if you pulled the zipper down they were big scary monsters.

What’s the lamest pickup line someone tried to use on you?

The other day someone came up to me and said that they would like to open an umbrella in my vagina. I just looked at them. I didn’t know what to say. There was no quick comeback for that.

Not counting rent or bills, where does most of your disposable income go?

My rats.

How would you hold up under torture?

Pretty good, I think.

What’s your least favorite thing about Atlanta?

The way it smells when it rains. It smells so bad to me — like urine and sadness.

Why do you think you’re on the Lust List?

I think someone just wanted to embarrass me because I don’t like talking to people and I don’t like taking pictures.

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What is in your pocket right now?

I have lipstick. It’s called Creature. Dark, dark, dark purpley-red.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Yes. I see ghosts all the time, I think. Out of the corner of my eye I’ll just see things that look like people. One time I woke up in my bed, and on the side of my bed there was this little girl smiling at me. It wasn’t a creepy smile, though. It was like, heyyy. I don’t know if it was a dream or a ghost but I didn’t sleep in my room for three months after that.

What do you know for sure?

I know that I’m present. I know that I’m here and I exist. And that’s OK.