Cover Story - The Real Real Housewives of Atlanta

Last season on “Real Housewives of Atlanta” ...

During the filming of season four, a convoy of Range Rovers transporting the Housewives to South Africa was sieged by a band of machine gun-wielding members of Namibia’s Caprivi Liberation Army. Panicked at the untimely demise of its cash cows (pun intended), Bravo producers hastily recast the show with several local women of legitimate note: Former mayor Shirley Franklin, Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank’s estranged wife Stephanie, 91-year-old media heiress Anne Cox Chambers, a woman claiming to be Tyler Perry’s “girlfriend,” presidential spawn Amy Carter, and former mayoral candidate, exotic dancer and local treasure Blondie. It was a terrible idea.

OPENING SEQUENCE: CAST INTRODUCTIONS

ANNE COX CHAMBERS whips off an ostentatious hat and throws her head back with a laugh, “Being a billionaire is marvelous. You should try it sometime.”

SHIRLEY FRANKLIN, arms crossed across her chest, “I have power, money and a shitload of floral brooches.”

AMY CARTER does the running man, then pauses, “I lived in the White House. Where the hell did you grow up?”

TYLER PERRY’S “GIRLFRIEND” looks at the camera irresolutely, “My boyfriend really loves to shop. It’s not that weird.”

STEPHANIE BLANK cradles a football in her left arm and mimics a stiff-arm with her right, “I’m actually a Packers fan.”

BLONDIE crushes a beer can between her exposed breasts, and recites a recycled introduction (used by Shereé during season three): “I love things that are elegant and sophisticated, just like me.”

SCENE 1

(INT. THE COX MANSION, BUCKHEAD — DAY)

ANNE COX CHAMBERS sits rigidly on an authentic French provincial sofa, quietly and deliberately reading the Sunday edition of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. Every 45 seconds or so, she raises an ornate porcelain teacup to her pursed lips and takes a long, slow sip.

The phone rings. ANNE either doesn’t hear it, or just doesn’t care to pick it up. She doesn’t react when the answering machine clicks on and begins recording the caller:

BLONDIE (RECORDING)

“Anne. Girlfriend. It’s ya bitch Blondie. We still gettin’ wild tonight? Call me, bitch.”

Because her eyes were lowered whilst reading the paper, the cameraman fails to notice that ANNE has nodded off. He continues to capture several minutes of the nonagenarian’s impromptu nap time.

SCENE 2

(INT. ADULT NOVELTY STORE — DAY)

SHIRLEY FRANKLIN, AMY CARTER AND BLONDIE wander around the “personal massager” section of an upscale sex toy store.

AMY

Why are we here?

SHIRLEY

Because this is where the producers told us to go.

(BLONDIE points at a rubber phallus)

BLONDIE

I have that one.

AMY

Yeah. But, like, WHY are we here?

(SHIRLEY shrugs)

SHIRLEY

I don’t know, just grab a dildo and act like you don’t know what it is. Hold it up to your ear or something.

(BLONDIE points at the rubber phallus in SHIRLEY’S hand)

BLONDIE

I have that one, too.

SCENE 3

(INT. RECORDING STUDIO — DAY)

In a small, bright sound booth, ANNE COX CHAMBERS is standing behind a microphone, laying down vocals for her first single “Rock out with ur cock out (Jam out with ur clam out).”

STEPHANIE BLANK and TYLER PERRY’S “GIRLFRIEND” enter a control room adjacent to the sound booth and wave to ANNE through the glass.

ANNE

Take five, Marquez.

She enters the control room to join them.

STEPHANIE

Terrible song, Anne. Just terrible.

“GIRLFRIEND”

Offensive, even.

ANNE

Do either of you have food in your purse? I ... I’m hungry. They’ve kept me here for days.

STEPHANIE

I can’t even think of a more vulgar slang term for vagina than “clam.” Seriously, and no offense to either of you, it’s more insulting to my sensibilities than an episode of “Meet the Blacks.”

“GIRLFRIEND”

It’s “Meet the Browns,” bitch.

ANNE

Gum? A mint? Anything.

SCENE 4

(INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT)

The entire cast — ANNE COX CHAMBERS, SHIRLEY FRANKLIN, AMY CARTER, STEPHANIE BLANK, TYLER PERRY’S “GIRLFRIEND,” AND BLONDIE — has gathered at the Ritz-Carlton for dinner.

The group’s ability to communicate with one another politely has grossly deteriorated: ANNE is accusing STEPHANIE of being jealous and not wanting her to succeed in the music industry. A guy named Tyrone told “GIRLFRIEND” that SHIRLEY called Tyler Perry a “fancy boy” behind her back. BLONDIE is teasing AMY for naming her childhood cat Misty Malarky Ying Yang. There’s shouting. Table banging. Wigs are plucked from their owners’ heads.

The show became a huge hit.