Oscar the Souse: Your 2009 Academy Awards Drinking Game

By Curt Holman Tuesday March 10, 2009 09:33 AM EDT

The idea of an Academy Awards drinking game seems almost like a hindrance during a global economic downward spiral: won’t obeying pesky rules just impede our nightly, alcohol-fueled descent into sweet, sweet oblivion? If you want Oscar Party-inebriation to come sooner rather than later, consider taking a drink for every awkward appearance of a young Hollywood star like Zac Efron, or every time the orchestra cuts off an acceptance speech, or maybe just whenever someone says And the Oscar goes to Or says Oscar, for that matter. Otherwise, here are some suggested rules for the 81st Academy Award show, airing on ABC at 8:30 p.m. Warning: if you get too drunk, you might miss our simultaneous Liveblogging on Fresh Loaf. (Oscar the Souse would like to acknowledge the suggestions of Kent Gash, William Goss and Doug Hamilton.)

First, if host Hugh Jackman plugs his upcoming movie X-Men Origins: Wolverine, take a drink. If he does so by tearing open an Academy Award envelope with one of his adamantium claws, finish your drink.

If Slumdog Millionaire wins Best Picture, drink tea from your party’s designated chai-wallah. But treat him with respect, because he might be able to buy and sell you by the end of the night.

If Milk wins Best Picture, have a milk-based drink like a White Russian, but under no circumstances have a milkshake, because I drink your milkshake is just so pre-recession.

If The Curious Case of Benjamin Button wins Best Picture, drink a hurricane. You know, because of the Katrina themes? And the New Orleans setting? What  too soon?

If Mickey Rourke wins Best Actor for The Wrestler, take a drink, inject your buttock with an unidentified steroid and shave your armpits before the rest of the party guest hit you with a folding chair and fire staple-guns at you.