Don’t Panic: So, who won Iraq’s election?
Using a complicated system of calculations called “basic arithmetic,” one is able to see that Allawi did not actually win the election
During the last week of March, the never-gets-anything-wrong news media reported that challenger Ayad Allawi defeated incumbent Nouri al-Maliki in Iraq’s recent election.
“Secular former leader Allawi wins Iraq vote,” said Reuters.
“Allawi wins Iraqi election,” said McClatchy.
“Allawi victory in Iraq sets up period of uncertainty,” said the New York Times.
I was overjoyed to read this news. “Boo-ya!” I thought. “Maybe now I’ll finally be able to sell some of the 10,000 ‘Don’t Blame Me, I voted for Nouri al-Maliki’ bumper stickers I bought before Iraq’s 2005 elections.”
(A related word of advice: Stay away from CafePress.com when you’re drunk.)
Anyhoo, it turns out my joy was unwarranted. You see, Allawi didn’t actually win the election.
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(Illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)