Don't Panic!: Are Obama's nuclear policies making the U.S. safer?

If I were one of President Obama's secret Muslim handlers, I'd be angry.

Their diabolical secret Muslim plan seemed foolproof: win the War On Terror™ by sneaking a charming, telegenic Kenyanesian member of their brotherhood into the White House! Genius!

So what if Hopey al-Changeypants wasn't born the U.S. We'll build a time machine that takes us to Hawaii, 1961 – where we'll stick "evidence" of Obama's American "birth" into hospital files and local newspapers. Allah provides!

And just to be safe, we'll sneak someone onto Straight Talk Express, where we'll whisper the worst possible campaign advice into John McCain's ear while he naps: "Pick Palin and you'll win over the all-important f**ktard-hockey-MILF-and-the-dudes-who-want-to-bone-them demographic."

The plan very nearly worked. Obama won. But instead of moving the White House to Mecca and replacing the "Star Spangled Banner" with some Cat Stevens song, Obama started acting all American-like.

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(Photo illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)

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