Loading...
 

Atlanta's 11 Least Influential People: No. 8

Creative Loafing’s countdown of Atlanta’s 11 Least Influential People is a tribute to women, men and fish everywhere struggling to meet the challenges of life in a modern American city.

The top five will be revealed in the next print edition of Creative Loafing, which hits newsstands on Thursday, Nov. 8.

No. 8 — Taroko and Yushan



Bottled for our amusement



(photo by Joeff Davis)




Taiwan’s government will soon ban the export of whale sharks, the world’s largest fish.“Thanks for nothing, jerks,” says Taroko. “And this helps me how?”

Taroko is upset because he, along with fellow whale shark Yushan, was sold by Taiwan to the Georgia Aquarium in June — after the export ban was announced but before it took effect.

The pair replaced the aquarium's original whale shark duo, Ralph and Norton, both of whom died this year after less than two years in the aquarium's captivity.

“Last year, everything was copacetic. I was freestylin’ in the Philippine Sea and inhaling fresh mackerel like a fat guy at Red Lobster," Taroko says. "Now I do laps in a glass box waiting to die."

"Hey, Bernie Marcus," he says, addressing the Georgia Aquarium's founder and benefactor, "what did I ever do to you?"

Yushan is no less frustrated at the turn his life has taken.

“It's not healthy for us to be in captivity," Yushan says. "My only hope is that the aquarium learned from the mistakes that killed Ralph and Norton."

"Ask around. Aquariums just aren't very healthy for large sea creatures like Yushan and me," Taroko says. "Back in the day, I could dive 3,000 feet down into the ocean just for fun. If I tried that now, I'd bruise my head on a third grader from Lawrenceville."

Both fish say they're resigned to their fate. They know they're never going to swim in the ocean again.

Their only request in their final months, they say, is for people to stop telling them how great it is to be in the Georgia Aquarium.

"Bernie Marcus compared the aquarium to the Ritz-Carlton," Taroko says. "I've never stayed there, but I'm pretty sure the Ritz doesn't use nets to find room guests."

"They keep telling me how lucky I am that I live in a 6 million gallon aquarium,” Yushan interjects. “Hey, dickheads, I used to live in a 177 sextillion gallon aquarium. It’s called the Pacific Ocean."

Visit Fresh Loaf on Tuesday morning for No. 7 on our countdown of Atlanta’s 11 Least Influential People.



More By This Writer

Article

Monday July 2, 2012 10:14 am EDT
Fourth of July has devolved into a mindless national block party. Here's what we should do about it. | more...

Article

Wednesday September 7, 2011 04:30 am EDT
Ten years later, a TV terrorpalooza rings hollow | more...

Article

Tuesday September 7, 2010 09:11 am EDT

http://www.flickr.com/photos/andishehnouraee/4966908103/

My favorite foreign policy column cliché of the previous decade is, without a doubt, the Friedman Unit.

It’s a reference to New York Times foreign policy columnist Thomas Friedman. Fair and Accuracy in Reporting noted that, between November 2003 and May 2006, Friedman used some form of the phrase “the next six months is crucial in Iraq”...

| more...

Article

Thursday August 26, 2010 02:42 pm EDT


The last U.S. combat troops left Iraq on August 19. War over. Woohoo!

Take that, you stupid 9/11 terrorists who had absolutely nothing at all to do with Saddam Hussein or Iraq. Boo ya!

No. Wait. Upon further review, it turns out the war isn’t exactly over.

The combat troops are out, but there are still roughly 50,000 non-combat troops in Iraq. Iraq still has the third largest foreign...

| more...

Article

Tuesday August 24, 2010 12:04 am EDT

As someone who had to turn on the closed captioning during The Wire, I totally get this.

The Associated Press:

ATLANTA — Federal agents are seeking to hire Ebonics translators to help interpret wiretapped conversations involving targets of undercover drug investigations.

The Drug Enforcement Administration recently sent memos asking companies that provide translation services to help it find...

| more...
Search for more by Andisheh Nouraee

[Admin link: Atlanta's 11 Least Influential People: No. 8]