The Bachelor”: Brad loves places”

• ABC
• Lil’ Ricki and Mr. Brad really hit it off. Just kidding.

It’s hometown visits week! That means it’s time for the remaining ladies to talk a lot about how much stock they’re going to put in their families’ opinions of their maybe-future-husband Brad. In turn, it’s time for said families to decide about halfway through dinner that they’re completely OK with their loved one spending forever with our tiny-eyed bachelor. He’s that good. But, he’s not. So, that’s what’s confusing, see? Mostly, though, it’s time for us to learn that Brad loves places. All places, always. Except morgues.

Brad wakes up in New York — a place he loves! — feeling “very excited.” But he’s also “thinking a lot.” It’s real hard to tell what/if Brad is thinking, so the producers send him out to the thinking balcony in his thinking cap (a pageboy one) where he can gaze into the distance, hands tucked firmly into his pockets in a thinking-manner, while we watch flashback illustrating his thoughts (thinks?) about the girls. These producers. They love helicopter rides, partial nudity, and really spelling things out for the idiots (me) who watch this show.

Here are Brad’s thinks vs. my thinks about the four remaining women …
Chantal.
Brad: Chantal is fun, flirty, but emotional.
Me: Since Michelle went home, Chantal is the new scariest person on this show. A montage reminds us how much she’s either really happy or crying. Or, as she puts it, “Highs and lows and highs and lows and EEEEEEEEEEEEE.”

Ashley.
Brad: She’s “so happy and outgoing and energetic and bubbly …”
Me: See above. She is all things that are annoying. I don’t care how annoying that makes me sound. This girl has been complemented in exactly this way — You’re so happy! Outgoing! Bubbly! — for way too long, and it’s made her insufferable.

Shawntel.
Brad: They replay that scene when Shawntel’s all, like, “I want you to come to Chico — you’ll fall in love,” and then Brad’s all, like, “Maybe I already am … oooooh,” and then we’re all, like, “Ahahahaaaaa.”
Me: Shawntel is pretty and maybe Brad likes her (?), but she was kept on this show solely so we could watch Brad squirm during their eventual tour of her family’s mortuary.

Emily.
Brad: He is “fallin’ hard” for Emily … but she has a daughter.
Me: Exactly.

So, first, Brad goes to Seattle to meet the O’Briens who produced Chantal O. — AND THEY ARE RICH. Like, Richard Gere-rich. I mean, look at Chantal’s scarf. Never would have known she came from money. But, I guess you can’t buy taste.