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The Bachelor": The Lyin' King"

Season 15, Episode 9: Acting human is such a chore

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Whew. This episode sure was a snooze. Not even baby elephant coitus or “Dancing with the Stars” cast announcements (or the fact that Ralph Macchio has officially transformed into an aging but attractive lesbian) could change that. Brad was really digging deep to behave like a real boy, but all it was doing was making him sweat a lot. Acting personlike is that much of a chore.

So, Brad wakes up in New York, packs his things — thinking cap specifically — and heads to South Africa to meet the Sisterhood of the Traveling Coochie Cutters. Seriously, Chantal, Emily and Ashley each showed up for their outdoorsy dates wearing the equivalent of denim underpants. Ripped denim underpants in Ashley’s case. But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we …

This is the FANTASY SUITE EPISODE, the one when the girls act like it’s not weird that they’re being invited by a third party (“Chris Harrison,” in serial killer scrawl) to make sex with Brad.

Brad has a lot to think about, and luckily he has a 17-hour flight during which he can stare out of a window all pensive-like and make thoughts about things. Basically, he thinks that he and Chantal have great chemistry, but isn't sure they're compatible in a forever way; Ashley makes him feel comfortable, but also uncomfortable because she's focusing on her career; and Emily is perfect, but will be spending at least the next 13 years mothering a dead man's child (Brad doesn't say this, but c'maaan).

"I have very difficult decisions to make," says a thinking Brad. "These decisions are going to affect my life." Yes, yes. Very good, Brad.

Upon arriving in South Africa, Brad wastes no time getting decked out in his dickweediest safari costume — the hat! the Tevas! — to take Chantal on a guided tour of the private game reserve where they're staying. Despite the obvious expectation that they'll see animals on a tour of an animal sanctuary, Chantal and Brad are positively shaken to their cores every time they see wildlife. "We're driving and, oh my God, it’s like a rhino," says Chantal, who is good at observing things. Also, they both like behaving like this is all very dangerous even though they're being escorted by men with rifles and Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey lets you do the same thing, but without rifles.