The Bachelorette": Ashley cums to Cumming"

Ep. 8: A week late is better than never


Editorial note: YES. This is a week late. I was working on a cover story. Get off my back.

They say you can't go home again. And, really, who the fuck would want to when home is SO BORING?

Has there ever, in the history of this hideous franchise, been a hometown visits episode more tedious? Where's the dad with dried animal corpses strewn about the taxidermy dungeon in his basement? Or the mock embalming at the family mortuary? What kind of sick, dystopian nightmare are we a party to when the only not-boring place in the world is Cumming, Ga.?

I feel like I want to blame someone for making this episode so snoozy. God? Nah. I blamed him when I got diarrhea last week. And when "Blind Date" was canceled (I miss you, Roger Lodge, whose real name, by the way, is Rogelio Chavez — how weird that a real name could be that much more made-up sounding than a made up one). Should we blame the producers, who've heretofore ensured that someone with a horrifying family was kept around? No. They're burnt out. Making this season a thing that people will actually watch has to be physically and emotionally EXHAUSTING.

SOOOOOO, I'm blaming Ashley. For being born without a personality.

Before hitting the road to eat several awkward meals with her suitors' families, Ashley stops by her generic-if-moderately-cute (just like her!) Philadelphia apartment to do "at home things" like check the mail, think while sipping coffee and staring at a wall, and actively neglect a small, adorable dog that she's passively neglected for weeks whilst getting finger-banged all over Asia.

Here's her thoughts on the final four, pre-visits:
Constantine: "There's something about Constantine that's so saxy to me." Saxy?
Ben: "I love that long hair, his build is great — he's just a man." More like a caveman, amirite?
Ames: "Ames is one of the most unique guys I’ve ever mat." Wow, "unique" is officially the only word she can ever come up with to describe poor Ames.
J.P.: "I feel like I’ve known him forever. I feel like I can do anything with him." Ew, Ashley, like what?

The first visit is with the Tzortzises of Cumming and, big news, guyz! I'M MOVING TO CUMMING. I fucking love these people. Here's why:
—- Constantine makes terrible jokes. Whilst making a pizza at his family's restaurant — which serves Italian, Greek AND "American" food — and being cutesy with pukeface, Constantine grabs a pinch of mozzarella in his banana hands and says, "It's getting a bit cheesy in here." Whatta knucklehead.
—- Dimitri is the overweight, aging Greek man of my dreams. Oh, Dimitri. You're not great at English — "On his face I see him happiness" and "I’m so good to see you" — but I'll bet you're very great at making lamb chops.
—- They have a tiny asshole dog in an equally tiny asshole dress.
—- Greek people throw money at you for dancing. And you get to keep your blouse on. Greeks is freaks.

Well, I sure hope Ashley didn't get too attached to families who are fun and ethnic, because the next two families are not those things.