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The Bachelorette": Ashley says "yassss" to J.P."

The season ends with REO Speedwagon, bitchy sisters and cats in yarmulkes ... or something

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Welp, J.P. did it. He won free dental exams for life courtesy of Ashley Hebert, A.D.M.D. (almost-doctor of dental medicine).

Luckily, he won't require dental exams much longer — if those are even his real teeth and not dentures made of elephant ivory — because he's going to die SO soon. And, who knows if he'll even find time for dental hygiene in these, his waning twilight years, when he'll be so busy cleaning out his ear horn with a car key, complaining about the price of tomatoes and not knowing how to email people.

What I'm getting at here is that J.P. is OLD. Thirty four. Who knew they even made people that old? Anyway, his advanced age was among the many reasons Ashley's super-alternative bitchsister decided she didn't like him pretty much immediately. Another theory forthcoming (with sic visualz!) ...

So, Ashley's whole family flies to Fiji to meet the final two guys, and the episode quickly devolves into Ashley and her bitter, divorcee sister Chrystie reenacting this scene over and over again ...
That Was Way Harsh Tai from m & l on Vimeo.



GOD, I hate Chrystie, but not nearly as much as she hates J.P. Man, oh, man.

The poor guy's nervous, but hanging in there as he sits down with Ashley's mom (what's with her accent?), stepdad (he's drunk, right?), little brother (has a collection of doll parts under his bed) and big sister (pffrt). Ashley's mom's all like, "I'd like to propose a toast to Ashley and, um, J.P.! Welcome to the family!" and Chrystie decides that's her cue to go all Wendy Saltzman and hit them with THE TOUGH QUESTIONS.

She asks Ashley whether J.P. makes her laugh, and Ashley says she thinks she makes herself laugh. Because she's so funny. Forty-five seconds later, Chrystie has decided that J.P. is just no good for Ashley. "I don't think he’s the one. I don’t think so. Just the way you are with him. I don’t see it," she says. See, she's "rational" and she's looking at "logistics," and J.P. is old, demure, not funny and HE'S A JEW.

NO, she didn't say that out loud, but here's that theory I was talking about ...