The Bachelor,’ Ep. 2: Blakely rhymes with fakely ... and Sonoma rhymes with coma

And musings on gender reassignment surgery

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  • ABC
  • Your secret’s safe with me, Blakely.

The ratings are in! And things aren’t looking good for the most boring two hours on television. From Entertainment Weekly:
ABC’s veteran The Bachelor sunk to its lowest numbers ever Monday night, with 7.2 million viewers and a 2.2 rating in the adult demo. That’s down 8 percent from last week’s premiere. It’s pretty early in the show’s spring cycle to sink to a low and last night should have been stronger since rival CBS aired nothing but repeats.

AHAHAHAAAA. People would rather re-watch episodes of “The Mentalist” or whatever shit CBS was airing than watch “The Bachelor.” The blogs are blaming Ben, but, c’maaaaaaan, what would viewers NOT like about a guy who cries about his deceased father every 30 minutes or so? So, let’s really think about this ...

Remember what frothy-mouthed psychopaths people became when it was announced that Chaz Bono was going to be a contestant on “Dancing With the Stars?”

HOW, Middle America wondered, could ABC tarnish something as wholesome as a program about scantily clad dancers/celebrities in whore makeup grinding their support hose-encased pelvises against muscly men with foreign accents by including some sexually confused celebukind who went and had her God-given vagina sewed up (or however gender reassignment surgery happens) and became a pudgy man.

HEY, GWYNEDD, WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS?

Well, what I’m saying is that Blakely — by virtue of looking very much like one — could be a former man. Probably named Blake. And, boy (!), is she overcompensating. The big, white false teeth! The big, white false breasts! Did the left-leaning commudicks down at ABC learn nothing about alienating the network’s right — as in, correct — wing viewership by embracing “alternative lifestyles?”

Speaking of, what’s a great alternative to doing a thing that’s fun for television? Why, going to Sonoma, of course! And watching home movies (falls asleep). And putting on a play (lapses into a coma).

The first lucky lady to paint the town beige with Ben is someone called KCB, which we all agree is a weird name for a traditional Southern girl, right? After a pleasant enough evening of dinner and an asshole parade — replete with baton twirling — Ben and KCB go to an old theater to watch each others home movies.

A self-evident truth: You are the only person who enjoys watching your home movies. Unless you’re an elderly person who was videotaped falling whilst attempting to skateboard, in which case, you need to get in touch with Tom Bergeron immediately because everyone wants to see that. And how mean to make us watch them watch their home movies! The whole thing was just another way to remind us/Ben that his dad passed away and he’s still very sad about it, and for the producers to meet their outward-display-of-emotion quota. See, they needed tears, so they made someone sit and watch something that is literally sad. If Ben didn’t have a recently deceased parent, I swear they would’ve made him and KCB sit in a theater and watch fucking ASPCA commercials (oh my god, don’t click that link).