The Bachelor,’ Ep. 6: Back in the straddle
No one is ever going to kiss Jamie ever again as long as she lives, right?
- ABC
- Things are about to get crotchy.
Jamie. Jamie, the non-entity who I frequently referred to as “narrow face-brown hair” in my notes because I couldn’t be bothered to remember her name even though it would have been a lot easier to type. FINALLY. FINALLY she made her mark (an actual stain on Ben’s lap — ick, sorry), possessed, presumably, by the supernatural pubic powers of their Panama City hotel, Donald Trump’s Giant Vagina Tower. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves SHALL WE.
Panama City, Panama, huh? Really makes Panama City, Florida, look like Panama City, Florida.
Courtney’s all confident, Ben’s hair’s all mushroomed, and Blakely’s all upset that, yet again, she’s not going on a one-one-one date. Upset because she has a mean case of blueballs.
KCB, who very much loves an off-the-shoulder blouse, gets the date and is instructed to bring three things with her scuz she and Ben are going to a private island to fart around and pretend like their ability to not die after a couple hours means something. “Today we really need to be here for each other,” says Ben. “If we accomplish this we can do anything.” Anything that is exactly this.
The three items Ben brought were a machete (which he pronounces like Alex Trebek would), a fishing net, and matches, so if worse comes to wurst, he can slit KCB’s throat, wrap her body in the fishing net and set the whole thing on fire. KCB brought a stuffed animal, a cork screw, and a bag of candy because she’s slow.
The first half of the date involves more grunting and coconut cracking than actual conversation, which is good news for these two. Pressure’s on for dinner, though. Ben says, “I’m kinda looking forward to diving in DEEP tonight,” which would sound sexually threatening if Ben wasn’t s’much of a woman.
With nary a dead loved one to lean on for DEEP conversation, KCB resorts to the next best thing: an eating disorder. No, sorry, her eating disorders. In high school she was anorexic and bulimic, until she got caught being those things at a Super Bowl party (how topical). This made her grow up faster than her peers and created the strong woman we see before us today. She keeps the majority of that strength in her calves.