The Bachelor,’ Ep. 8: I couldn’t help but wonder ...

Why Courtney can’t think her own thoughts

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  • Chris Mihal photoshoppin’
  • Get Courtney’d away ...

There was a show on television a few years ago called “Sex and the City” about four women being sexual in the city. It was very successful. And then there were camels.

Anyway, this is a show that my friend Ally and I remember well because we RELATE to it, of course — she’s such a Miranda (oh my God, I’m just kidding) — but, also, because I own all six seasons on DVD and I’m not even embarrassed about it (me right now).

You know who else knows very much about “Sex and the City?” Courtney does. Now, all season she’s consistently excelled at demonstrating that she has no original thoughts or genuine feelings by reciting recognizable lines from popular culture things. “Winning,” she says sometimes. Hey, but that’s Charlie Sheen’s line, lady. Other times she’s like, “There’s no crying in baseball!” You’re not Jimmy Dugan, we say whilst slowly shaking the heads we’ve cocked to the side. Then sometimes she’s reciting seemingly heartfelt-if-fake wedding vows she wrote on-the-spot at a wedding venue to which she brought Ben and she says, “I’m looking for love. Real love. Passionate, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.” And Ally’s like, “Wait a minute, isn’t that from ‘Sex and the City?’

Season Six. Finale episode. To Aleksandr Petrovsky. Carrie Bradshaw says, “I am a person who’s looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”

Snap. Is what Courtney would say.

The bad news for Ben is that he’s for sure going to propose to a person with the imagination and cognitive abilities of a toddler. The good news for us is that now we know there are DVD players in hell.

HOMETOWN VISITS. Wheeeeeeee. Ben (and his band The Borings) load into their American-made SUV for tour stops in lovely and horsey Ocala, Florida; something-y Something, Tennessee; cowboy-stuff-filled Fort Worth, Texas; and Scottsdale “Gateway to the Underworld” Arizona.

In Florida, Lindzi greets Ben on horseback. It’s, like, Lindzi. Get off the horse for a minute to say hi. She can’t! She loves horses that much. “Horses have been my life since before I was born,” she says, even though it doesn’t make sense.

Then he meets Lindzi’s parents and, let me tell you, these people are great. And not even just because her dad’s name is Harry Cox (thanks, Jamie and Steve!) Really adorable, sweet people who drink delicious Chardonnays out of wine glasses that look like mason jars with stems. And for some reason they like Ben. Harry Cox wants Lindzi out of his hair(y cox).