The Bachelor,’ Ep. 9: There’s no farting in Switzerland

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• pffrt pffrt pffrt pffrt

When I was in Switzerland several years ago to visit family, I farted — audibly — in the presence of one of my adorable, Swiss cousins. She admonished me even though we weren’t in public, so I asked, “Well, what do people do in Switzerland if they have to fart?” She told me, simply and without further explanation, “We take them the farts, presumably with us.”

(Another cute Swiss cousin thing: She thought “pan pizzas” were “Pam pizzas.” “Like Pam Anderson,” she explained.)

So, according to her, the Swiss are a people who live their lives with old farts festering in their bellies, and I submit it’s a condition they’re willing to endure because of the overwhelming pride they take in the cleanliness and beauty of their surroundings. And Switzerland IS clean and beautiful, whether or not that’s because it isn’t all polluted with farts. How CRAZY, then, that the Swiss would allow the human farts of “The Bachelor” to film an episode (sorry, TWO) in their pristine country, especially the disease-infested fantasy suite episode! OR maybe they didn’t. You know how some people think the moon landing was filmed on a soundstage? I have a similar conspiracy theory about last night’s episode. But, instead of a soundstage, I posit that the whole thing was filmed in Alpine Helen, GA. I’ve been both places. They’re basically the same.

Some people read magazines on a plane. Some people watch movies or television programs on their iPads. Ben? Well, he just stares out the window and thinks positive, polite thoughts about the three women he’ll be entering in Europe.

Ben on Nicki: “Warm, loving, and kind of a dark horse.” “Open, gentle, caring, super-sweet ... very kind hearted.”
Me on Nicki: Desperation’s a stinky cologne, and this woman reeks to high heaven. Also, Ben, don’t call women horses.

Ben on Lindzi: “She’s little bit country and a little bit city, and she wears them both so well.” “She’s open and funny and honest and she’s herself.”
Me on Lindzi: Never mind. I bet you could get away with calling Lindzi a horse. She’s so this.

Ben on Courtney: “There’s a weird magical force that pulls us together. She’s extremely unique.” “I like that she’s a little nerdy. I think that’s why I hold her in such high regard.” “She’s exciting, spontaneous, she has a rebellious side.” “With her I have Chemistry unlike I’ve ever felt with anyone in my life.”
Me on Courtney: