The Bachelorette,’ Ep. 1: Poor Desiree. In more ways than one.

A cinderella story with the threat of imminent sexual assault.

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  • ABC
  • Don’t waste your high fives. Will wants them.

Hi, everyone. Look what we’re doing again.

Since the last time we hung out, Bachelorette Emily Maynard used her charm and toothy grin to snag Jef (last name: With One F), then used those same gleaming, billboard-sized shards of enamel to sever all ties with the boyish cuckold. Then Emily’s castoff Sean found love in Catherine, a woman willing to settle for dry humping and occasional anal until marriage. Most importantly, we met Desiree Hartsock, a Sean castoff and this season’s Bachelorette. Things that are important to know about Desiree:
- She has a VERY GOOD sense of humor. Remember when she invited an ac-tor to pretend to be an ex when Sean came for a hometown visit? It actually wasn’t funny, but then was when her brother acted like so much more of an insane ex than a paid professional ever could.
- She is very pretty. Especially when she rollerblades in Venice in cutoffs and knee socks looking like so many gay hustlers. I have a hunch this crop of guys will like that.
- We call her Des. Pronounced Dez. I so badly want to spell it Dez.

But the most important thing to know about Des: she is very, very poor. This is KEY to the season’s narrative. The producers love it.

See, she grew up short on money, but rich in love. Her family camped a lot, insofar as they lived in a tent. Her father loved hunting and her mother loved fishing, but they called it “grocery shopping.” SHE DRIVES A HONDA CIVIC WITH A DENT IN THE HOOD, FOR FUCKS SAKE. And did you hear the noises it made? It’s, like, fine, be poor, but don’t bother the rest of us about it.

Or do! Because you know what it means when people are poor and embattled, but then get to simultaneously date 25 cocklicks and drive a baby blue Bentley convertible for, like, 25 minutes? It means it’s a Cinderella story. Something out of Horatio Alger. A regular Ragged Dick. Even Des acknowledges it. “Cinderella in the flesh” is what she is. Fleshy Cinderella. And instead of being covered in cinders after a long, hard day, she’ll be covered in saliva and fecal residue from 25 clammy, disgusting hands.

And what a batch of fecal-fingered fellas we have here. The season premiere is always a blur of close-set blue eyes, fake tans, bleached teeth, and nipples, so we’ll just focus on the most important teeth and nipples. I’ll share some of my notes ...