The Bachelorette’ Ep. 3: This recap is sponsored by Disney’s ‘The Lone Ranger’

Also, dodgeball, a pancreatitis rose, and broken fingies

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  • ABC
  • “Alright, so I’m gonna need all of you to act like a bunch of dicks.”

Remember a person named Tierra on the most recent season of the Bachelor? Couldn’t control her eyebrows? Had a dent in her forehead? Afflicted with Münchausen syndrome? Gooooooood. Her biggest hobby (besides hand gestures) was getting attention by acting like she was in physical distress, which actually turned out to be a decent strategy. Like when she threw herself down the stairs. Or everyone’s favorite: when she got “hypothermia” from jumping in a lake in Montana. OOH it was fun to watch. Wrapped up in a thermal blanket she shook like an improperly installed ceiling fan (no good?), descended into mock catatonia, required oxygen from a team of emergency medical technicians, even made one of them put socks on her tootsies because she just could NOT bend over and do it herself. Eventually, Sean came to see her and she felt all better, the end.

What I want to say is that hypothermia-stricken Tierra acted like a regular Medal of Valor recipient compared to the way Brooks acted when he broke his finger during dodgeball times.

So, c’man. Did they take him away in an ambulance? Why was he on oxygen? He PASSED OUT when they reset the bone? I’ll break and reset one of my own bones right now. His liver is made of so many lilies. I also liked that he basically held his splinted finger up in front of his face for the rest of the episode. 6/13. NEVER FORGET.

Desiree put on her serious face and said that what had happened was “terrible.” Really. Just so terrible. Luckily, he’s got a whole other fist fulla fingers for diddling you. She loves making out, which she has a tendency to call “talking.”

So, yeah, dodge ball group date. Nine of the guys meet up with a team from the National Dodgeball League, which Michael G. - who’s getting an awful lot of camera time these days - likens it to the A-Team. I didn’t see the Liam Neeson remake, but I guess it was about dodgeball.

Blah, blah, they split into teams and play against each other, Brooks hurts himself, and then Desiree lets EVERYONE hang around for the second half of the date, even though that privilege was reserved for the winners of the game and our society will ultimately suffer because we’re so goddamn quick to reward underperformance and underachievement. It was moderately fun to watch them hurt each other.