The Bachelorette’ Ep. 7: Cloud nein (this would’ve worked better when they were in Germany)

Michael’s mom knew this was coming.

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  • ABC
  • Picnicking on jagged rocks...it’s like a fairytale.

WELCOME TO MADEIRA, BOOOOOOOYZZZZZZZ.

That’s me being Desiree, who is VERY excited for this week’s dates on the idyllic Portuguese archipelago so she can “see how the guys are feeling about her.” That’s obviously secondary to how she feels about them and also a very good lesson to teach our young women.

What’s best about it is that there is one person who would appear to feel pret-ty ambivalent about Des right now and that’s Brooks. So of course she loves him. Or was instructed to say she loves him. What the fuck ever happened to his broken finger? Better get that jammer ready for the Fantasy Suite™, bud.

Let’s not get ahead of myself, shall me? Some of the women Desiree formed tenuous bonds with on the last season of The Bachelor are here! We’ve got Leslie, a redheaded lady, and even Catherine, who Sean ultimately chose over Desiree (and Leslie and the redheaded lady)! Sean’s advice to Catherine was to give Desiree good advice, which is the best advice. All the girls hug and unanimously agree that the others look “so cute.” SO cute. Then one of the producers lets the guys out of their pen to play in the pool area with some toys they’ve strewn about and it’s strikingly similar to this...


The girls ogle them through binoculars then have a circle jerk.

The first one-on-one date is with Brooks. Where is she taking him, he wonders? “On a trip,” she says. Giving a vague answer when a person obviously wants a specific one does not a good significant other make. Ultimately, Desiree takes Brooks to a very high place where they can be in clouds and then say as many cloud-related clichés as they can conjure.

Notable omissions: “Cloudy with a chance of meatballs,” at which point Des would have whipped out her boobs then flung herself off the cliff.